Tag Archive: where do I go from here


A leap of faith? 10/06

I’ve been watching this show Once, all about how “fairytale land” ended up in the “real world”  and in it  one of the characters is asked to believe, to believe in magic, and that they have never taken a leap of faith.  A leap of faith,  it struck a chord in me.. Thinking that there is some deity that is guiding me is a leap of faith that I have found very hard.  For me it was and still is hard to trust my own instincts.  Am I doing the right things to find out who they are?  I doubt myself alot, and frequently dont know where to go/do next.  But I plod along and sometime get some inspiration  which makes it worthwhile.

Other than telling Sir, I havent really mentioned that Ive been suffering some bouts of depression,, and occasional overwhelming sense of frustration and that nothing was going right for me, and that I couldnt do anything right.  Saturday we went to a kink party,  and it was also a leap of faith.  I had mentioned that with the headspace I was in there would probably be alot of crying.. And then he mentioned well we will see how it goes, and then it went in a completely different direction.  As soon as the first needle was in I was flying,  as part of it he wrapped some string around some of the needles and started  to pull on it,  And I got to thinking about the depression, that I need to get a handle on it and not let it over take my life , not hiding from it but taking control of it/managing it, actively working  on it ( like trying to find a therapist)  It allowed me to  remove myself from the issue for a moment and look at the bigger picture, and realize what I knew all along, that Im not worthless, I have friends who care for me, etc etc.  im not saying that one scene took the depression away, but its a start in the right direction.

For those that are squeamish about blood you might want to skip the next part.

I’ve always known that I had a blood fetish, I was always the kid who when I got a cut would lick the blood from my hands, I liked the smell, and taste of it.  And, later on realized what a powerful thing blood is.  Its life, energy, something precious I give to Sir, because I only do bloodplay with him unless he says otherwise,  The scene saturday was amazing, and it was exactly what I needed.  I needed to reconnect with someone, someone who cares for me, to have a physical/energetical/trusting reminder of that.  I needed to reminded that I can be sexy, and express myself ( there were some really hot folks at the party, one or two in particular I wouldnt mind getting to know real well).  During the scene, Sir could tell I was getting “toasty” and then said something to the effect of  this parts almost done, and then comes the bleeding, and that will take awhile.  He smiled that “evil” grin of his and my heart jumped.  Through a combination of impact on the needles and manipulating them I eventually was covered in blood from cunt to knees.  But it wasn’t some random splattering of blood, at first I thought it was the cliched phoenix, you know rises out of the flames to be reborn kind of thing.  But then I started to stare at it,and saw something completely different.  He was taking one of the needles he had removed from my skin and was catching the drips from the other needle holes and painting my skin with it.  I dont know how else to describe it but sparks on wind.  The blood swirls made me think of embers from a fire picked up by the wind.  A tiny spark from inside of me inspiring me to go on.

Sir has given me and sacrificed so much for me, I am happy and grateful he allows me to pay him back a bit in my service to him.  Nothing makes me happier then when I do something right and hear good girl  or pats my head as I’m sitting at his feet or helping him work.

Thank you Sir for allowing me to fly, and then come back down to ground when its needed

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Its been almost a month since it was suggested to me in a reading to make a more conscious, chosen effort for the whole discovering my femininity as part of my spiritual path.  Ive been trying to avoid writing this journal entry, not sure exactly why but everytime i think about doing it i think of something else that needs to be done.

So i did move my makeup mirror to my altar, and its done some good and some not so great things.  The not so great: Sometimes i look in the mirror and see an old fat  ugly frizzy haired woman who cant get a date to save her soul, and as a side note recently i found some old framed photos of me when i was in high school, they were senior pictures, the kind you get your makeup and hair done, and at times i look at it and go see, that picture I was beautiful in  but look at what I’ve become now.

But the good:Its made me reflect on things in my life, sure in the high school picture I might have looked “pretty” but it doesn’t show the pain I was experiencing at the time with bullying and self image/esteem issues.  Its made me think of the blessings in my life, even though I hate my job at least I have one, I’ve got a roof over my head, and a Sir that constantly thinks of me and my well being.

Also,When I’ve been applying  makeup, its like the person in the mirror changes a bit and I can see the beauty inside of me for a bit.   I’m still not the greatest in applying makeup, but its something I’m working on.  And every so often i see images of things, its hard to describe but almost random people/places/things that I know, and the they are doing various everyday things, they are super short,  almost just a flash image more that a video -not sure what to make of it. Friday night before bed I got the overwhelming urge to paint my nails, normally something I wouldn’t do and after they were done I looked at them and all I could think of is the song from west side story I feel pretty, I got the sense that I was beautiful, and the next day when we were headed to lunch to meet someone  I felt beautiful inside/out the outfit I picked out went well etc.Long way to go but its a start.

I haven’t spent a lot of time just sitting in front of the altar meditating but its something I know I have to do and soon there are a lot of things swimming in my head and every time i walk by the front door where the altar is I feeling like I’m swimming in rose (there’s a strong  rose scented candle there) Hey look another water reference-something mentioned in my most recent reading.

fire within? 7/17

wow looking back i havent written in almost a month, still kinda stuck on what to work on next and feeling disconnected ut really havent had the energy nor the time to focus on anything spirituality wise, although tonights post is about a few various topics ive been thinking about and had written down thoughts on, so as usual its going to be rambling on a bit, read at your own risk

last month after fsg and fusion i posted about feeling very disconnected from spirituality and feeling like i needed to give into something but i didnt know what.  And while i did meditate on it a bit  i still really dont know where to go, its still my own damn fault and its something i need to figure out but right now with the way ive been feeling and sleeping i have no energy to do anything other than work and take care of the house etc, and its something i need to work on carving out time for cause its frustrating, i want to have some direction, im not expecting a big giant head to come to me and say hey you should do xyz, but a little nudge from someone wouldnt hurt.

The other day Sir and i were talking about what ill term “shaman sickness”, the fact that all the shamans i know ( i dont know that many) have some form of nuerological or physical (or combination thereof) issues, and that the work they do burns out neurons rather fast.  Its an incredible sacrifice  for the communities they serve, and I hope personally i remember that if i ask for help or help is offered to me.

 

I had written a post about a year ago on 7/19/12 about sex with dieties and that i really didnt know much about it.  I have learned a bit more in interacting with folks that have intimate realations with deities and still find it a fascination subject, but in retrospect, im still glad I didnt agree to the offer from odin, it just wasnt my path, and even though i feel disconnected and dont know where to go I think that path would have been bad for me.

have some other topics i wrote thoughts on but ill save those for another day

fire within? 6/25

Havent posted in a very long time, because I really havent had anything inspiring to say.  the last couple of weeks have been very tough for me emotionally, esp this  past weekend.  I was at a kink event, I knew it was going to be challenging emotionally, but it was challenging spiritually as well.  Last week at fsg i went to the fire circle where they have drums and dancing  and I got this feeling that I needed to go  all girled up, so I got dressed and put makeup on etc, I dont dance well but I danced, and I kept feeling I needed to give in and let go and give up something, but the music and or energy wasnt right to get me to the point that I could give in and figure out what  it was.

The feeling was even more so this weekend, and I also feel so energetically disconnected from everyone, and I dont know what to do to fix it .  Ive felt very sexy this weekend and at least tried to wander around and partake in the activites but I feel invisible, or the people im attracted to im not their type . I  know one night of wandering around finding things to do isnt enough to really meet people, but at least im trying .  Ive felt so  spiritually/energetically disconnected and dont know what direction to take , and not sure what to do about it.

Do have to admit even though this weekend was exhausting, esp sat nights ordeal ritual that I helped at  which wasnt supposed to last untill sun at 7am but did, I did have an interesting time, esp the first part of the night where I helped choose what order the participants went in.  But the next day, when i stopped by for a few moments at the processing meeting I pretty much instantly started to cry, it might be the stress was overwhelming me, combined with a little woo, i dont know.  I did go back a bit later and had a chat with a friend or two and it helped.

If I get a chance to meditate this week Im going to concentrate on this whole feeling of I need give in and give up something and see if I can figure out what it is  and maybe this disconnected feeling will lessen up a bit, so I can stop whining about it