Tag Archive: freya


The fire within? 3/09

Its been quite awhile since Ive written, Ive been meaning to but been super busy, and had trouble forming my thoughts into words.

Sir and I were talking about a meeting we were at for a group still in its inception stage  and a few other things  and I got a message from the mystery goddess about how a ritual about beauty would be a *really* good idea.  Its funny how things morf into other things.  I started thinking of the runes freya had written on me and started an inkling of an idea of a ritual tying the idea of beauty and self esteem into the runes pertho, Manaz, and Wunjo.

And then it all went weird from there.  when doing research into what the runes meant  in general and to me the ritual started to morf into possibly the first ritual of this new group-this part is still completely in the air since i dont know if it will ever get finished, whether people will want to do it etc, but all the meanings started to come up with things like community, asking for help from people you build trust with etc, and the clue by four hit me like ohhh duh!  This wasnt just about me it about community and kinship etc.

Originally I was thinking about possibly putting my getting the freya cutting at the end.  Im not sure that will still happen, it depends on how the other part of the ritual plays out.  I had been thinking about it alot and awhile ago had thought about doing it, but it was made clear to me it wasnt the right time.  It still might not be the right time, my plan it to have the runes written on me temporarily to see how I feel about them and if im doing it for the right reasons.

I was talking about all of this to someone the other day and he brought up the concept of worthiness in relationship to self esteem and things like whether I believe I am worthy of being in the group.  I struggle alot with that concept, whether I am worthy of love,  whether I am worthy of serving Sir (although he makes me feel I every day) its that internal voice  going your fat, your ugly, noone loves you, you suck at your job that you arent upposed to listen to but occasionally  when you are sad or things dont go your way that those words start to sneak in and sometimes you believe them.  Today Ive been feeling a combination of stress, sadness, and being mad at everything and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and just had this instant irrational Oh my god im so fat and ugly with made me even more depressed .  I have to constantly remind myself that I am beautiful, I am worthy, it might take me a bit   to remember but eventually I do (mostly).  I have to work on not feeling jealous when I see couples “enjoying” each others time, that can be really tough for me,but maybe the reason why I cant get a date to save my soul is the energy Im putting out, that im not beautiful etc  scares people off .

 

the fire within? 09/21

Yesturday andToday has been a relatively bad day, Ive floated between depression stress, not wanting to eat wanting to just curl up in a corner and hide, but realistically its just one of those moments where everything seems to go wrong all at once, it just seemed intensified all at once.  Ive felt randomly anywhere from wanting to strangle people for the slightest perceived annoyance to wanting to just grab the first person I see and cuddle tackle them just for some human contact.  Although lately it seems I havent been able to keep in touch with folks ive wanted to but arent local

 Enough of that crap.

For several days I’ve been feeling the need to review some of my old spirituality notes.  I keep them in a folder, its a random collection of notes I’ve took, printouts of rituals attended or helped out with.  I haven’t done anything in a group setting since really the ordeal track at fusion and I miss it, the shared experiences, a sense of community, even if for a short time, and I miss it.  I went through them reminiscing about some of the amazing experiences I’ve had the last few years.

I mentioned in my last post about the rose candle on the altar by the front door  that I smell every time i leave the house, and that I’ve been getting the impression I’m swimming in rose.  I had gotten images like I was both somewhat literally swimming, in sort of water that was rose colored, and smelled like roses, and then later being surrounded by what I can only describe the essence of rose, the smell, a feeling of beauty, passion,sexiness etc, a feeling of more self confidence.  Its moments like these that keep me going  when it feels like the world hates me.

Last minute addition: I wrote this yesterday, and it was a pretty depressing and the gloomy weather didnt help.  I do feel a touch better today and have been productive today.

And lastly, thank you Sir for thinking about me, and giving me helpful advice even when you have your own shit going on.  It may be hard for me to express sometimes but you mean the world to me,and have been with me through the good and bad times, love ya lots!

 

I did sit for a few minutes at the altar with my makeup mirror on it, with the head-space I’m in at the moment I couldn’t bring myself to look in the mirror, I think I would just dissolve into tears, and be depressed, so I sat, wrote this, then sat some more.  For me I use electronic/trance music to get myself in a better frame of mind, where odd thinking and theories of what I should do next are much easier to handle cause I’m not over thinking them, where there can be a thousand million things i need to do floating thru my head, but its ok cause I’m not stressing over one particular thing or another.  It helped me clear my mind a bit and helped me center myself a bit more.    I had known I needed to it for awhile and i kept putting it off  not sure exactly why but should have trusted my gut on that one it definitely helped

daily fire 4/9

earlier today the freya statue  caught my eye, and after having a very stressful call with the cell phone company i decided to meditate and shut off for a few minutes and I started to listen to trance music and started to think of her and her beauty and sexuality, had some really hot and interesting visons/daydreams/etc and wanted to say thanks to Freya for them.