Tag Archive: freda


the fire within? 09/21

Yesturday andToday has been a relatively bad day, Ive floated between depression stress, not wanting to eat wanting to just curl up in a corner and hide, but realistically its just one of those moments where everything seems to go wrong all at once, it just seemed intensified all at once.  Ive felt randomly anywhere from wanting to strangle people for the slightest perceived annoyance to wanting to just grab the first person I see and cuddle tackle them just for some human contact.  Although lately it seems I havent been able to keep in touch with folks ive wanted to but arent local

 Enough of that crap.

For several days I’ve been feeling the need to review some of my old spirituality notes.  I keep them in a folder, its a random collection of notes I’ve took, printouts of rituals attended or helped out with.  I haven’t done anything in a group setting since really the ordeal track at fusion and I miss it, the shared experiences, a sense of community, even if for a short time, and I miss it.  I went through them reminiscing about some of the amazing experiences I’ve had the last few years.

I mentioned in my last post about the rose candle on the altar by the front door  that I smell every time i leave the house, and that I’ve been getting the impression I’m swimming in rose.  I had gotten images like I was both somewhat literally swimming, in sort of water that was rose colored, and smelled like roses, and then later being surrounded by what I can only describe the essence of rose, the smell, a feeling of beauty, passion,sexiness etc, a feeling of more self confidence.  Its moments like these that keep me going  when it feels like the world hates me.

Last minute addition: I wrote this yesterday, and it was a pretty depressing and the gloomy weather didnt help.  I do feel a touch better today and have been productive today.

And lastly, thank you Sir for thinking about me, and giving me helpful advice even when you have your own shit going on.  It may be hard for me to express sometimes but you mean the world to me,and have been with me through the good and bad times, love ya lots!

 

I did sit for a few minutes at the altar with my makeup mirror on it, with the head-space I’m in at the moment I couldn’t bring myself to look in the mirror, I think I would just dissolve into tears, and be depressed, so I sat, wrote this, then sat some more.  For me I use electronic/trance music to get myself in a better frame of mind, where odd thinking and theories of what I should do next are much easier to handle cause I’m not over thinking them, where there can be a thousand million things i need to do floating thru my head, but its ok cause I’m not stressing over one particular thing or another.  It helped me clear my mind a bit and helped me center myself a bit more.    I had known I needed to it for awhile and i kept putting it off  not sure exactly why but should have trusted my gut on that one it definitely helped

the fire within? 5/21

I havent written in quite sometime, because really I havent had much to say.  I havent felt connected to anything spirituality wise.  Not that I havent been doing work at all, I have been doing research, meditating, trying to journey a bit (more on that later), and reading the devotional book to Hel.  Sometimes I do get frustrated, that I feel this lack of connection and that I dont know what to do about it.  But I still plug along, Im still thinking about several options, the cutting for freya, which I do feel is a right thing to do, but needs to wait till the right time, maybe doing an energy pull , with hooks- to help pull this block out of me, or some other sort of ordeal, but really I dont have a clue what shape that would take and would have to wait till something comes to me.

Its part of my spiritual path to try to embrace more of my feminine side, it hasnt been easy, because it means putting myself out there. And lately 2 things have happened one good, one bad .

The not so good: Ive been trying to make a concerted effort to look more “feminine”  taking care to dress well doing my hair, and wearing make up occasionally.  Now I know sometimes it might look like I dont care esp at work, but one day at work, when I had taken particular care to dress well and hair/makeup etc, i got several comments throughout the day along the lines of oh you look sexy, your all dressed up etc etc.  Now I know they meant well, but it made me feel like unless I spend a shit ton of time putting on makeup and doing hair stuff, that I dont count as feminine, that im invisible.

 

The good:I had bought a fan and the last rose candle at gettysburg  just recently.  I got this feeling that I really needed to buy the fan for freda.  I had planned to offer these to her, nothing super special a little grounding/center in front of the altar and a little freeform prayer and talking to her in my head.  It turned into a bit more, I had situated myself in front of the altar and to block the noises in my head I put some trance type music on, laid down, started to ground/center, and think of her, and I went on, not sure exactly how to describe it other than a journey.  I wasnt at home anymore, im not sure where I was, but it was like a meadow, and there was someone there, not sure who, but dont think it was freda, they were loving,  sensual  and made me feel good, there were other images that I dont really remember, some odd,. and kinda freaky but overall good.  I came back and grounded a bit, and im still trying to figure out what all that means, esp since its hard for me to express my sexuality dating wise, but i guess ill figure it out eventuality.

 

the fire within 5/5

So yesterday I mentioned  that I had some writing to do  about the fan that I  got, gettysburg in general and a few other things, so bear with me its gonna be a bit rambling.

I went and met my folks at gettysburg, every so often we meet up some where to visit since they are about 6 hours away.  Im intrigued by the civil war era, the history, the politics behind what led to the war etc.  I knew that there had been a lot of violence and death there, and while I didnt see any ghosts while i was there i did feel a sense of loss and sadness.  We had taken a bus tour earlier in the day, and that evening we took a “ghost walk” narrated by an author, i believe her name was “spooky” robinson or something like that, he was a really good storyteller and I had fun.  During the walk around town  we stopped here and there,  and at one point we at this dry creek bed, and the narrator said that this was a very violent spot during the civil war, and i felt a need  to touch the granite wall  and in my head i was thinking peace, that whoever was hanging around got what they need to get wherever they needed/wanted to go.  I did feel a bit more peaceful after that, but it was a very sad place for me

On a completely different note, while I was waiting  for the ghost tour to start there was a “general merchandise” store next door  and i was wandering around,turned a corner looked up and saw a fan, not just any fan a pink lacy fan, tottaly not my style, but i got this feeling i *should* buy it, so i did.  And to me its completley perfect for erzulie freda.  I had written last night about missing the fete style rituals Sir and I had been attending and had been reading a book aboutvoodoo/hoodoo, so its not surprizing i got a feeling to get something related to that.  But when i purchased it I felt, well I dont know I guess the word is pretty, girly.  Its something that is hard for me, because sometimes I feel invisible, unloved, but it made me feel better, and the whole weekend I felt like i looked better, my hair turned out ok etc .  I know some of it has to do with self confidence, but ill take what I can get.  I also thought it was interesting that the next day while outlet shopping i found the only rose candle in the sea of of a whole bunch of  candles on clearance , so I going to offer the candle and fan to freda as a thanks for helping me along my jou

Id really like to find a vodoun house that would allow to me watch/participate in a fete

So lately ive been bitching about not being inspired  and not knowing where to go spirituality wise. But i did at least order the devotional book for Hel and hopefully that will give me some inspiration in regards to her.  And i have restarted reading the book on voodoo/hoodoo, i do miss the fete style rituals Sir and i used to go to,  but i dont want to go back them at the moment (for reasons im not getting into here).  Illl write more on that later since im fall asleep, but the fan i picked up is for freda, because i was in the store and this fan practically jumped out at me, i got this overwhelmining feeling of feminity and beauty, more later falling asleep.
As a side note i did actually fall asleep writing this, because i came back later and realized i hadnt written anything about the ghost stuff, but as i am still half awake it will have to wait till later