Tag Archive: dating

The fire within? 3/09

Its been quite awhile since Ive written, Ive been meaning to but been super busy, and had trouble forming my thoughts into words.

Sir and I were talking about a meeting we were at for a group still in its inception stage  and a few other things  and I got a message from the mystery goddess about how a ritual about beauty would be a *really* good idea.  Its funny how things morf into other things.  I started thinking of the runes freya had written on me and started an inkling of an idea of a ritual tying the idea of beauty and self esteem into the runes pertho, Manaz, and Wunjo.

And then it all went weird from there.  when doing research into what the runes meant  in general and to me the ritual started to morf into possibly the first ritual of this new group-this part is still completely in the air since i dont know if it will ever get finished, whether people will want to do it etc, but all the meanings started to come up with things like community, asking for help from people you build trust with etc, and the clue by four hit me like ohhh duh!  This wasnt just about me it about community and kinship etc.

Originally I was thinking about possibly putting my getting the freya cutting at the end.  Im not sure that will still happen, it depends on how the other part of the ritual plays out.  I had been thinking about it alot and awhile ago had thought about doing it, but it was made clear to me it wasnt the right time.  It still might not be the right time, my plan it to have the runes written on me temporarily to see how I feel about them and if im doing it for the right reasons.

I was talking about all of this to someone the other day and he brought up the concept of worthiness in relationship to self esteem and things like whether I believe I am worthy of being in the group.  I struggle alot with that concept, whether I am worthy of love,  whether I am worthy of serving Sir (although he makes me feel I every day) its that internal voice  going your fat, your ugly, noone loves you, you suck at your job that you arent upposed to listen to but occasionally  when you are sad or things dont go your way that those words start to sneak in and sometimes you believe them.  Today Ive been feeling a combination of stress, sadness, and being mad at everything and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and just had this instant irrational Oh my god im so fat and ugly with made me even more depressed .  I have to constantly remind myself that I am beautiful, I am worthy, it might take me a bit   to remember but eventually I do (mostly).  I have to work on not feeling jealous when I see couples “enjoying” each others time, that can be really tough for me,but maybe the reason why I cant get a date to save my soul is the energy Im putting out, that im not beautiful etc  scares people off .



The fire within? 1/1/14

What an interesting kinky start to the new year, and no no details at the moment.

A while back I was talking to Sir about what happened at samhain about how I decided to look within and see if I could figure out what I’m doing wrong in attracting a romantic partner and he suggested I should really think about what I have to offer a potential partner.  It was hard just thinking about it, my knee jerk reaction was to say not much, but I know I do, I’m just very shy and have a lack of self confidence.
So here goes, what I can offer a potential partner:
1. Loyalty- I’m might be shy, and seem aloof but take the time to know me and crack the shell and I will be with you thru good and bad times
2 creativity- I am crafty and resourceful, I can sew, and if you need that odd whatchamacallit I’m pretty good at making it appear.
3. A good listener- I might not be the greatest at small talk or approaching people, but I’m good at listening with a sympathetic ear
4. Low maintenance-I’m not the kind of person that takes hours to get ready, or needs an exorbitant amount of your time.
5. Interests- I have a wide variety of social interests like live theatre, rocky horror, my music tastes is very broad and like anything from opera to rap and techno, so chances are we would like at least some similar artists.
6. Spirituality-I’m also exploring my spirituality and am eager to learn the way other people practice to see different perspectives.
7. I’m an excellent cuddler
That’s what I came up with at the moment, I’ll add more if I think of them
So looking back I do have something to offer, now just gotta find the right for me someone

So um yeah, it was a weird birthday  I went to a trance possession  ritual Sunday  and for a good majority of it was not feeling into it.  Sure I had fun hanging out with folks and dancing for those we called but I was expecting a whole different experience I guess I was being a little selfish I figured since it was my birthday that maybe something would happen –well it did but not in the way I thought it would but we will get to that later.  I was feeling like my head was just really closed up, and Sir asked me if I was having fun and I kinda blurted out no and the difficulties I was having, he reminded me that it doesn’t always happen s and just cause it doesn’t nothings wrong.  And I mentioned in the very beginning it was easy to get possessed and he said that since now you know what happens sometimes it can be more difficult to open your head up   Well then stuff started to happen, I really wanted to talk to La Siren and she showed up but wasn’t very talkative to me, although the energy I felt around her was amazing and got the feeling I really need to go back to the ocean.  So the weirdness started then,Im not going into super detail right at the moment but I had interactions  (where I was not the horse) with 2 that I don’t normally invite/have interactions with/know much about .  One who drew something on me (in marker-had it been their choice it would have been a scalpel).  The other wanted  something Im not ready to give without a lot of thought research, etc and even then not sure id want to-I am being very vague mostly on purpose for the moment if you want details ask me and I might tell you .

Sooo lots more work ahead although on a side note it kinda pissed me off and made me depressed that not a single person commented, sent an email or anything about my what I wanted post on FL kinda hits the self esteem meter way way down.  Sigh, moving on, is it too much to ask for a date? Just one?  I wish I wasn’t so shy so I could ask out a few folks I have eyes on-although I don’t think im really their type, and  the ones I do find that are interested in me are not right for me  wish there was a kinky dating service

More later too tired now