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Its been almost a month since it was suggested to me in a reading to make a more conscious, chosen effort for the whole discovering my femininity as part of my spiritual path.  Ive been trying to avoid writing this journal entry, not sure exactly why but everytime i think about doing it i think of something else that needs to be done.

So i did move my makeup mirror to my altar, and its done some good and some not so great things.  The not so great: Sometimes i look in the mirror and see an old fat  ugly frizzy haired woman who cant get a date to save her soul, and as a side note recently i found some old framed photos of me when i was in high school, they were senior pictures, the kind you get your makeup and hair done, and at times i look at it and go see, that picture I was beautiful in  but look at what I’ve become now.

But the good:Its made me reflect on things in my life, sure in the high school picture I might have looked “pretty” but it doesn’t show the pain I was experiencing at the time with bullying and self image/esteem issues.  Its made me think of the blessings in my life, even though I hate my job at least I have one, I’ve got a roof over my head, and a Sir that constantly thinks of me and my well being.

Also,When I’ve been applying  makeup, its like the person in the mirror changes a bit and I can see the beauty inside of me for a bit.   I’m still not the greatest in applying makeup, but its something I’m working on.  And every so often i see images of things, its hard to describe but almost random people/places/things that I know, and the they are doing various everyday things, they are super short,  almost just a flash image more that a video -not sure what to make of it. Friday night before bed I got the overwhelming urge to paint my nails, normally something I wouldn’t do and after they were done I looked at them and all I could think of is the song from west side story I feel pretty, I got the sense that I was beautiful, and the next day when we were headed to lunch to meet someone  I felt beautiful inside/out the outfit I picked out went well etc.Long way to go but its a start.

I haven’t spent a lot of time just sitting in front of the altar meditating but its something I know I have to do and soon there are a lot of things swimming in my head and every time i walk by the front door where the altar is I feeling like I’m swimming in rose (there’s a strong  rose scented candle there) Hey look another water reference-something mentioned in my most recent reading.

the fire within? 8/19

I’ve been meaning to write this for a week, but life and etinmoot interrupted.

Two weekends ago we had 2 amazing people as visitors, I learned alot and had a lot of fun.  they both have a lot of insight into spirituality. The events following might be slightly out of order cause my memory sucks, and its disjointed so youve been fair warned, but:  we went to visit the local park because there was a great statute that one of the visitors had an affinity for, so at dusk we found the statue on display behind glass, and in front  of it was a paved circle surrounded by low hedges, one if the visitors spun a hula hoop and one  spun led poi.. I felt i could lose myself in the spinning poi, the park was beautiful, breathing in the fresh air, and i kinda tranced out for a bit.

Also we had found the local new age shop, its was mostly kitchy candles and such but there was mermaid stature, i thought it was neat but was poor till payday and figured i could come back later to get it, but that was not in the cards.  One of the visitors bought it because she saw it and said something to effect of it looks like a cross  between freya and La siren a bit, I thought she was going to take it home  for herself but  that wasnt the case at all. related to that one of the visitors got the ping to do a reading for me.  I had been talking about the cutting i want to do for freya of runes and I took away several things from that reading, that I might want to do something a little less permanent to start with, sit with it  and see what the runes tell me, and build a relationship with them.  I also got the suggestion about revamping how I practice a bit, as in to spend more time meditation in front of the altars I have to see what impressions I get and because my spirituality path is also  tied to exploring my femininity to put my mirror that I use for make up on my altar, to make it a conscious choice to integrate into my spirituality.  Ive started to revamp the altar in my room but havent had the time to finish (more on the reading later ive misplaced my notes)

So the big other thing was I got to play with energy exchange, one of the visitors well the easiest way to describe it is “muck about” with energy. We did some of it sat night but sun was, in my opinion a big awesome experiment.. lately ive been craving human contact,and well whats a little energy in exchange for sparking that energy into motion.   I was siting with my back against her and one of the things she tried was pushing energy down thru my spine, but it actually went thru my entire body, the easiest way to describe it was my skin was a shell and inside there was a core  but right under the skin there was a layer of mist and it felt like the mist was being circulated really fast it it felt amazing.  Later on she was holding my hand and I could feel and see little tentacle like things stretching from both our hands and intertwining.    Ye s, she did take energy from me (all consensual) the last  pull was intense but i felt like the exchange “heated me up” in a good way, ive felt so stuck spirituality wise about where to go next  this exchange benefited me as well, i felt more inspired and a few more ideas of what to do.  It was an amazing intense experience.  More on it later cause I have to catch up on house stuff

I learned alot from both visitors they  come from different spirituality backgrounds then I do for the most part and im trying to pick peoples brains to expand my knowledge.

fire within? 7/17

wow looking back i havent written in almost a month, still kinda stuck on what to work on next and feeling disconnected ut really havent had the energy nor the time to focus on anything spirituality wise, although tonights post is about a few various topics ive been thinking about and had written down thoughts on, so as usual its going to be rambling on a bit, read at your own risk

last month after fsg and fusion i posted about feeling very disconnected from spirituality and feeling like i needed to give into something but i didnt know what.  And while i did meditate on it a bit  i still really dont know where to go, its still my own damn fault and its something i need to figure out but right now with the way ive been feeling and sleeping i have no energy to do anything other than work and take care of the house etc, and its something i need to work on carving out time for cause its frustrating, i want to have some direction, im not expecting a big giant head to come to me and say hey you should do xyz, but a little nudge from someone wouldnt hurt.

The other day Sir and i were talking about what ill term “shaman sickness”, the fact that all the shamans i know ( i dont know that many) have some form of nuerological or physical (or combination thereof) issues, and that the work they do burns out neurons rather fast.  Its an incredible sacrifice  for the communities they serve, and I hope personally i remember that if i ask for help or help is offered to me.

 

I had written a post about a year ago on 7/19/12 about sex with dieties and that i really didnt know much about it.  I have learned a bit more in interacting with folks that have intimate realations with deities and still find it a fascination subject, but in retrospect, im still glad I didnt agree to the offer from odin, it just wasnt my path, and even though i feel disconnected and dont know where to go I think that path would have been bad for me.

have some other topics i wrote thoughts on but ill save those for another day

fire within? 6/25

Havent posted in a very long time, because I really havent had anything inspiring to say.  the last couple of weeks have been very tough for me emotionally, esp this  past weekend.  I was at a kink event, I knew it was going to be challenging emotionally, but it was challenging spiritually as well.  Last week at fsg i went to the fire circle where they have drums and dancing  and I got this feeling that I needed to go  all girled up, so I got dressed and put makeup on etc, I dont dance well but I danced, and I kept feeling I needed to give in and let go and give up something, but the music and or energy wasnt right to get me to the point that I could give in and figure out what  it was.

The feeling was even more so this weekend, and I also feel so energetically disconnected from everyone, and I dont know what to do to fix it .  Ive felt very sexy this weekend and at least tried to wander around and partake in the activites but I feel invisible, or the people im attracted to im not their type . I  know one night of wandering around finding things to do isnt enough to really meet people, but at least im trying .  Ive felt so  spiritually/energetically disconnected and dont know what direction to take , and not sure what to do about it.

Do have to admit even though this weekend was exhausting, esp sat nights ordeal ritual that I helped at  which wasnt supposed to last untill sun at 7am but did, I did have an interesting time, esp the first part of the night where I helped choose what order the participants went in.  But the next day, when i stopped by for a few moments at the processing meeting I pretty much instantly started to cry, it might be the stress was overwhelming me, combined with a little woo, i dont know.  I did go back a bit later and had a chat with a friend or two and it helped.

If I get a chance to meditate this week Im going to concentrate on this whole feeling of I need give in and give up something and see if I can figure out what it is  and maybe this disconnected feeling will lessen up a bit, so I can stop whining about it

 

fire within 6/4

Ive been thinking about something Sir pointed out to be the other day, it was a post on facebook he had seen that reads “It’s a simple truth that service is the humble act that clears karma and gives advancement faster than many arcane rites.”.    I cant find who had posted it, when I do ill credit them with it.         He mentioned that “the mystery woman” ie the diety who might have something to do with me had given him a ping and said I should really read this, and it got me to thinking what the phrase means to me spirituality wise.

 To me it means that i shouldnt fret over trying to  do grand gestures in my never ending spiritual path.  That I dont have to spend wads of money for ritual supplies or craft elaborate rituals to certain deitys I honor.  That I should relish the simple, quiet things I do to honor those I “work” with whether it be tending altars, or doing research or reading books on spirituality subjects.  That i can do other acts of service and still get spiritual satisfaction, like volunteering at a hospice, or cleaning up trash on a beach-neither of which ive actually done yet, but which came to me as ideas while contemplating this subject.  To seek out those who work tirelessly, quietly for those they honor and thank them for the wisdom they have given me .  To realize that I have an amazing life, yes parts of it are bad, like the job , but in comparison to some I have it easy, I have amazing resources on which I can call on , the benefits of friends who have many more years experience in all of this, and best of all a Sir who guides and teaches  me but encourages me to make my own decisions spirituality wise .  

Yes I might wine about my lack of progress but stepping back and seeing the little things, enjoying them and finding small ways to refresh my personal spiritual path is what its all about right?

the fire within? 5/21

I havent written in quite sometime, because really I havent had much to say.  I havent felt connected to anything spirituality wise.  Not that I havent been doing work at all, I have been doing research, meditating, trying to journey a bit (more on that later), and reading the devotional book to Hel.  Sometimes I do get frustrated, that I feel this lack of connection and that I dont know what to do about it.  But I still plug along, Im still thinking about several options, the cutting for freya, which I do feel is a right thing to do, but needs to wait till the right time, maybe doing an energy pull , with hooks- to help pull this block out of me, or some other sort of ordeal, but really I dont have a clue what shape that would take and would have to wait till something comes to me.

Its part of my spiritual path to try to embrace more of my feminine side, it hasnt been easy, because it means putting myself out there. And lately 2 things have happened one good, one bad .

The not so good: Ive been trying to make a concerted effort to look more “feminine”  taking care to dress well doing my hair, and wearing make up occasionally.  Now I know sometimes it might look like I dont care esp at work, but one day at work, when I had taken particular care to dress well and hair/makeup etc, i got several comments throughout the day along the lines of oh you look sexy, your all dressed up etc etc.  Now I know they meant well, but it made me feel like unless I spend a shit ton of time putting on makeup and doing hair stuff, that I dont count as feminine, that im invisible.

 

The good:I had bought a fan and the last rose candle at gettysburg  just recently.  I got this feeling that I really needed to buy the fan for freda.  I had planned to offer these to her, nothing super special a little grounding/center in front of the altar and a little freeform prayer and talking to her in my head.  It turned into a bit more, I had situated myself in front of the altar and to block the noises in my head I put some trance type music on, laid down, started to ground/center, and think of her, and I went on, not sure exactly how to describe it other than a journey.  I wasnt at home anymore, im not sure where I was, but it was like a meadow, and there was someone there, not sure who, but dont think it was freda, they were loving,  sensual  and made me feel good, there were other images that I dont really remember, some odd,. and kinda freaky but overall good.  I came back and grounded a bit, and im still trying to figure out what all that means, esp since its hard for me to express my sexuality dating wise, but i guess ill figure it out eventuality.

 

fire within 5/9

the other day i saw a billboard on a christian church that i think applies to any faith- “faith doesnt make things easy faith makes things possible”

It definately applies in my case.  Ive been in a slump lately,both spirituality wise and everywhere else.  Ive felt completely invisible socially, except for Sir who always seems to think of me no matter whats happening to him.  Ive felt lost, confused, stressed, disconnected from everything and everyone, wanting so much to feel human touch, feel a part of something, not knowing where to go, feeling like sometimes I just want to find a dark corner and hide for awhile, and frustrated about my lack of success at work.

This isnt going to solve everything, but the truth of the matter is some of it is my own fault. I tend to try to hide emotions, not ask for what I want, and not step back and realize that I am a part of several things, like my relationship with Sir which I think I getting the better end of the deal, because he always thinks of me, like when he says thank you for a simple task Ive done when he doesnt have to. And I might bitch about not having the money to go out and do actual fun things when I could get off my ass and try to get a better job or try and save money by cutting back on other things.  And I know im part of a larger kink community but sometimes I feel like an outsider, I know I can appear aloof and unapproachable, but mostly thats cause im shy  and alot of times dont know how to small talk or flirt (probably why I havent had a date in quite some time)if you can crack the shell im not a bad person to know.

Sorry back to spirituality, Ive felt disconnected and uninspired and well (see above some, or most, of  its my own damn fault).  Ive gotten over the the fact  that I had expected one day to have spirituality just drop into my lap and just know who (if anyone) is guiding me, I may never know, and im relatively ok with that but Ive felt the reasearch/work Ive done lately has left me feeling disconnected and uninspired from spirituality in general, and I dont really know what to do about it yet.  I did get that devotional about Hel and am just starting to read it , and so far its really interesting, but other than that im kinda at a lost.

I know I just need to plug along, and have faith.  I know it wont come to me right away, and Ill have to work at it , but eventually maybe ill get out of this feeling of being disconnected.

the fire within 5/5

So yesterday I mentioned  that I had some writing to do  about the fan that I  got, gettysburg in general and a few other things, so bear with me its gonna be a bit rambling.

I went and met my folks at gettysburg, every so often we meet up some where to visit since they are about 6 hours away.  Im intrigued by the civil war era, the history, the politics behind what led to the war etc.  I knew that there had been a lot of violence and death there, and while I didnt see any ghosts while i was there i did feel a sense of loss and sadness.  We had taken a bus tour earlier in the day, and that evening we took a “ghost walk” narrated by an author, i believe her name was “spooky” robinson or something like that, he was a really good storyteller and I had fun.  During the walk around town  we stopped here and there,  and at one point we at this dry creek bed, and the narrator said that this was a very violent spot during the civil war, and i felt a need  to touch the granite wall  and in my head i was thinking peace, that whoever was hanging around got what they need to get wherever they needed/wanted to go.  I did feel a bit more peaceful after that, but it was a very sad place for me

On a completely different note, while I was waiting  for the ghost tour to start there was a “general merchandise” store next door  and i was wandering around,turned a corner looked up and saw a fan, not just any fan a pink lacy fan, tottaly not my style, but i got this feeling i *should* buy it, so i did.  And to me its completley perfect for erzulie freda.  I had written last night about missing the fete style rituals Sir and I had been attending and had been reading a book aboutvoodoo/hoodoo, so its not surprizing i got a feeling to get something related to that.  But when i purchased it I felt, well I dont know I guess the word is pretty, girly.  Its something that is hard for me, because sometimes I feel invisible, unloved, but it made me feel better, and the whole weekend I felt like i looked better, my hair turned out ok etc .  I know some of it has to do with self confidence, but ill take what I can get.  I also thought it was interesting that the next day while outlet shopping i found the only rose candle in the sea of of a whole bunch of  candles on clearance , so I going to offer the candle and fan to freda as a thanks for helping me along my jou

Id really like to find a vodoun house that would allow to me watch/participate in a fete

So lately ive been bitching about not being inspired  and not knowing where to go spirituality wise. But i did at least order the devotional book for Hel and hopefully that will give me some inspiration in regards to her.  And i have restarted reading the book on voodoo/hoodoo, i do miss the fete style rituals Sir and i used to go to,  but i dont want to go back them at the moment (for reasons im not getting into here).  Illl write more on that later since im fall asleep, but the fan i picked up is for freda, because i was in the store and this fan practically jumped out at me, i got this overwhelmining feeling of feminity and beauty, more later falling asleep.
As a side note i did actually fall asleep writing this, because i came back later and realized i hadnt written anything about the ghost stuff, but as i am still half awake it will have to wait till later

4/29 A new beginning?

Ive been slacking.  I havent had the time nor inclination to write anything more fluff except  for once or twice  in the last few weeks.  Sometimes in the past I  would just  write silly things just to have something to say.  Which in thinking about it I believe is contrary to the original intention. So ive been thinking about revamping it  and not forcing myself to write every day especially if I dont  have anything to say.  Im not trying to get out of writing  it completely, but I think Id me more apt to write things of substance a few times a week then force myself to write fluff more times then not if I try to do this every night . And who knows I might go back to every night.

Moving on, I have thought and meditated more on Hel.  Ive read folks blogs, poetry, stories, and songs to try to learn more about her and I feel like ive only scraped the surface about her.  Overall Ive felt rather directionless spirituality wise, not sure exactly what to do about it, but  eventually ill figure out a direction to go