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I dont know how people without a car long term survive in this town.  Don’t get me wrong there is “public transportation” and in a town this size I should feel lucky but my gosh it is sooo messed up .  Im lucky that there is a bus stop with in about a half mile of the house  that stops at my jobs front door.  The problem? it stop running at 6p and I work till 11:30.  Im trying to get a reliable ride home from a coworker but there is no ride board or central place to post a request, so its word of mouth.

Yesterday i needed groceries bad, and my neighbor was nice enough to take me and bring me back, otherwise it would be an almost 3 hour trip for a 4mi destination, between walking to the bus stop getting to the store , shopping, waiting for the next bus because they only run once an hour at best.  I ran another errand yesterday, and the same neighbor dropped me off at the location, but to get back I had to walk 1.5 miles to a  bus stop transfer downtown to another bus, then walk another 1.5 home, and my fat ass and bad knees dont normally walk that far.  While we work on a new to us car,

I know its survivable, i just cant get my head wrapped around how people do this long term, most of the buses shut down at about 6p, unless you want to go to walmart oh and that only runs till about 9p

reflections

I speak for the grieving, I should know I am one.  Death has never been easy for me, as a kid I was always the one who never cried at funerals, never showed emotions like that, kept it all bottled up.  Fast forward many years and I end up a shamans girl to an (awesome) guy who works with Hel.  EEk, the very thing im trying to avoid.

I am one of the grieving, for I grieve for someone I care deeply for, who has taught me many things, and yet I have so much more to learn.  I know he has a job to do, on both sides of the veil, and that I have promised to help him do his work while he is still on this earth. I grieve for I know I will lose him, but take joy in the fact that I will be there for him till the end, whenever that may be.

Ive been reflecting  on what it it means to speak for the grieving, and the grieving process and I came up with some thoughts/emotions; Sadness, anger, stress,denial,putting on a brave face, logistics.  All of which I have felt, and sure I will experience in times to come.  There are so many elements that goes into a terminal illness,  I cant imagine what he personally experiences sometimes, but I try to make things easier by handling things like the house, paperwork etc.  I handle things best when I have a job to do, it distracts me from some of the stress of things.  Job is on going Ill have to reflect more on what speaking for the grieving really means

?

Its been over a year since Ive written a blog post.  Ive been thinking about writing one for awhile now, but as usual Ive put it off until it seems like I *really*.  Ive neglected, but not completely ignored my woo, especially my promise to Hel.  I tend to go in cycles, life gets hectic and woo takes a back burner.  But, really it should be the other way around.  It is rather stressful as of late, no job, trying to pay rent, find a new job, and maybe a new place.  But if you think about it, in times of stress is when you should turn to your woo/faith/spirituality, it can give you strength, maybe refocus and lessen stress, something I need to remember.

As far as my promise to Hel, I hadnt forgoten it, but maybe not dedicated as much time as I should.  The picture is of a space I cleared in my room near my altars as a reminder that I need to take time to reflect on that promise, and perhaps a new job, recently it was mentioned that I need to speak for the grieving as part of my promise.  Not sure exactly what that entails yet, so  a little reflecting and note taking are in order.

The reflecting area also is a reminder to dedicate some time to Freya which I have also neglected.  20151120_210035

 

The fire within? 3/09

Its been quite awhile since Ive written, Ive been meaning to but been super busy, and had trouble forming my thoughts into words.

Sir and I were talking about a meeting we were at for a group still in its inception stage  and a few other things  and I got a message from the mystery goddess about how a ritual about beauty would be a *really* good idea.  Its funny how things morf into other things.  I started thinking of the runes freya had written on me and started an inkling of an idea of a ritual tying the idea of beauty and self esteem into the runes pertho, Manaz, and Wunjo.

And then it all went weird from there.  when doing research into what the runes meant  in general and to me the ritual started to morf into possibly the first ritual of this new group-this part is still completely in the air since i dont know if it will ever get finished, whether people will want to do it etc, but all the meanings started to come up with things like community, asking for help from people you build trust with etc, and the clue by four hit me like ohhh duh!  This wasnt just about me it about community and kinship etc.

Originally I was thinking about possibly putting my getting the freya cutting at the end.  Im not sure that will still happen, it depends on how the other part of the ritual plays out.  I had been thinking about it alot and awhile ago had thought about doing it, but it was made clear to me it wasnt the right time.  It still might not be the right time, my plan it to have the runes written on me temporarily to see how I feel about them and if im doing it for the right reasons.

I was talking about all of this to someone the other day and he brought up the concept of worthiness in relationship to self esteem and things like whether I believe I am worthy of being in the group.  I struggle alot with that concept, whether I am worthy of love,  whether I am worthy of serving Sir (although he makes me feel I every day) its that internal voice  going your fat, your ugly, noone loves you, you suck at your job that you arent upposed to listen to but occasionally  when you are sad or things dont go your way that those words start to sneak in and sometimes you believe them.  Today Ive been feeling a combination of stress, sadness, and being mad at everything and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and just had this instant irrational Oh my god im so fat and ugly with made me even more depressed .  I have to constantly remind myself that I am beautiful, I am worthy, it might take me a bit   to remember but eventually I do (mostly).  I have to work on not feeling jealous when I see couples “enjoying” each others time, that can be really tough for me,but maybe the reason why I cant get a date to save my soul is the energy Im putting out, that im not beautiful etc  scares people off .

 

The fire within? 1/1/14

What an interesting kinky start to the new year, and no no details at the moment.

A while back I was talking to Sir about what happened at samhain about how I decided to look within and see if I could figure out what I’m doing wrong in attracting a romantic partner and he suggested I should really think about what I have to offer a potential partner.  It was hard just thinking about it, my knee jerk reaction was to say not much, but I know I do, I’m just very shy and have a lack of self confidence.
So here goes, what I can offer a potential partner:
1. Loyalty- I’m might be shy, and seem aloof but take the time to know me and crack the shell and I will be with you thru good and bad times
2 creativity- I am crafty and resourceful, I can sew, and if you need that odd whatchamacallit I’m pretty good at making it appear.
3. A good listener- I might not be the greatest at small talk or approaching people, but I’m good at listening with a sympathetic ear
4. Low maintenance-I’m not the kind of person that takes hours to get ready, or needs an exorbitant amount of your time.
5. Interests- I have a wide variety of social interests like live theatre, rocky horror, my music tastes is very broad and like anything from opera to rap and techno, so chances are we would like at least some similar artists.
6. Spirituality-I’m also exploring my spirituality and am eager to learn the way other people practice to see different perspectives.
7. I’m an excellent cuddler
That’s what I came up with at the moment, I’ll add more if I think of them
So looking back I do have something to offer, now just gotta find the right for me someone

A year ago today

A year ago today someone I love and care for deeply went through an ordeal.  See I had made a promise that if he came back I would spend time getting to know Hel, yup thats who I made the promise to, death.  I also promised to set aside space on an altar fornher, once I found , or they found me, appropriate item(s) to put on the altar.  I also promised to help Sir with his work for her.
While im not finsihed with that promise (and probably never will be) I am good with it being a lifelong process, cause well isnt good to always be learning?  I think I’ve done decently in  keeping that promise., but could do more.  Today when I sat in front of my altar to her I reread the letter I had written with the promises on it, and memories came flooding back, both good and bad.  We had just signed the lease on the new place, and it was a very stressful time for all with everthing else going on. But even with the stress and worry about the situation,  we had amazing support. People went out thier way to help with organizing things, moving stuff, doing woo things, etc.  We have an amazing choosen family, and I am forever in their debt.
I intent to continue honoring my promise
Hail Hel, and thank you

Fire within 11/23?

So a few little things.
First the non woo part
I crave human touch, more so now than ever. For many years I slept with someone in my bed and it was nice to be able to snuggle up with someone. I really miss it and have gotten a chance to do it once in the last 2.5 years or so.  So I’m putting it out there that I’d like someone to snuggle with.  I realize this would be way easier with some sort of intimate partner, So…….
Part 2-now with more woo!-
I’ve been sitting on this for almost a month, haven’t been ready to sit down till now and write about it.  We had a dumb supper for samhain  where you set up and eat in silence to be able to listen better.  There is a dish in the center to feed the honored dead, deity etc.  All throughout, I was thinking about my crappy love life and what I need to do to fix it. So I started having a one sided conversation with Hel, and she being who she is I got this feeling  maybe its not just the people that I’m attracting, that I need to kinda rip out what hasn’t been working (im not saying everything im doing is wrong, there is some good stuff)and look into myself and fix me first. That maybe I’m not sending out the right signals or going to the right places, or just sitting down and figuring out exactly what I want .  At the sumbel later I thanked her and told her I was ready.  It will mean some hard internal examination and thought, but it a step in the right direction

the fire within? 10/22

Just a short note today, Sir and I have been attending the local UU church in an effort to find some community out here, and in their service they light what they call a chalice, its a candle in a bowl type thing, and they usually have a chant in unison.  This weeks was ” At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.  Each of us have cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us” -Author Albert Schweitzer-.  Sir gave me a nudge  and pointed to the words.  I didnt understand why until a few minutes later, he might have been thinking of himself being rekindled by me (ok not just me but the others in his life too).  But for me, it was him, he rekindle a lot in me when we first started this whole journey, and still continues to do so.. He has inspired me to find my own path, and even when I feel I have lost my way strives to give me guidance to bring me back and be inspired again.  That things happen in waves, and ebb and flow, your not always going to be on a high note.  He encourages me to grow, and support me how ever he can whether it be just listening to me rant about work, or help me find a new job.  He pushes me past my comfort zone for my own good, it might take me awhile to see that but he has my best interests at heart.  He has introduced me to many people who have also inspired me with their own stories of their journeys.

 

Thank you is not enough for all the people I have in my life that care for me, I only hope I can inspire them with my own actions and strive to always grow.

A leap of faith? 10/06

I’ve been watching this show Once, all about how “fairytale land” ended up in the “real world”  and in it  one of the characters is asked to believe, to believe in magic, and that they have never taken a leap of faith.  A leap of faith,  it struck a chord in me.. Thinking that there is some deity that is guiding me is a leap of faith that I have found very hard.  For me it was and still is hard to trust my own instincts.  Am I doing the right things to find out who they are?  I doubt myself alot, and frequently dont know where to go/do next.  But I plod along and sometime get some inspiration  which makes it worthwhile.

Other than telling Sir, I havent really mentioned that Ive been suffering some bouts of depression,, and occasional overwhelming sense of frustration and that nothing was going right for me, and that I couldnt do anything right.  Saturday we went to a kink party,  and it was also a leap of faith.  I had mentioned that with the headspace I was in there would probably be alot of crying.. And then he mentioned well we will see how it goes, and then it went in a completely different direction.  As soon as the first needle was in I was flying,  as part of it he wrapped some string around some of the needles and started  to pull on it,  And I got to thinking about the depression, that I need to get a handle on it and not let it over take my life , not hiding from it but taking control of it/managing it, actively working  on it ( like trying to find a therapist)  It allowed me to  remove myself from the issue for a moment and look at the bigger picture, and realize what I knew all along, that Im not worthless, I have friends who care for me, etc etc.  im not saying that one scene took the depression away, but its a start in the right direction.

For those that are squeamish about blood you might want to skip the next part.

I’ve always known that I had a blood fetish, I was always the kid who when I got a cut would lick the blood from my hands, I liked the smell, and taste of it.  And, later on realized what a powerful thing blood is.  Its life, energy, something precious I give to Sir, because I only do bloodplay with him unless he says otherwise,  The scene saturday was amazing, and it was exactly what I needed.  I needed to reconnect with someone, someone who cares for me, to have a physical/energetical/trusting reminder of that.  I needed to reminded that I can be sexy, and express myself ( there were some really hot folks at the party, one or two in particular I wouldnt mind getting to know real well).  During the scene, Sir could tell I was getting “toasty” and then said something to the effect of  this parts almost done, and then comes the bleeding, and that will take awhile.  He smiled that “evil” grin of his and my heart jumped.  Through a combination of impact on the needles and manipulating them I eventually was covered in blood from cunt to knees.  But it wasn’t some random splattering of blood, at first I thought it was the cliched phoenix, you know rises out of the flames to be reborn kind of thing.  But then I started to stare at it,and saw something completely different.  He was taking one of the needles he had removed from my skin and was catching the drips from the other needle holes and painting my skin with it.  I dont know how else to describe it but sparks on wind.  The blood swirls made me think of embers from a fire picked up by the wind.  A tiny spark from inside of me inspiring me to go on.

Sir has given me and sacrificed so much for me, I am happy and grateful he allows me to pay him back a bit in my service to him.  Nothing makes me happier then when I do something right and hear good girl  or pats my head as I’m sitting at his feet or helping him work.

Thank you Sir for allowing me to fly, and then come back down to ground when its needed

the fire within? 09/21

Yesturday andToday has been a relatively bad day, Ive floated between depression stress, not wanting to eat wanting to just curl up in a corner and hide, but realistically its just one of those moments where everything seems to go wrong all at once, it just seemed intensified all at once.  Ive felt randomly anywhere from wanting to strangle people for the slightest perceived annoyance to wanting to just grab the first person I see and cuddle tackle them just for some human contact.  Although lately it seems I havent been able to keep in touch with folks ive wanted to but arent local

 Enough of that crap.

For several days I’ve been feeling the need to review some of my old spirituality notes.  I keep them in a folder, its a random collection of notes I’ve took, printouts of rituals attended or helped out with.  I haven’t done anything in a group setting since really the ordeal track at fusion and I miss it, the shared experiences, a sense of community, even if for a short time, and I miss it.  I went through them reminiscing about some of the amazing experiences I’ve had the last few years.

I mentioned in my last post about the rose candle on the altar by the front door  that I smell every time i leave the house, and that I’ve been getting the impression I’m swimming in rose.  I had gotten images like I was both somewhat literally swimming, in sort of water that was rose colored, and smelled like roses, and then later being surrounded by what I can only describe the essence of rose, the smell, a feeling of beauty, passion,sexiness etc, a feeling of more self confidence.  Its moments like these that keep me going  when it feels like the world hates me.

Last minute addition: I wrote this yesterday, and it was a pretty depressing and the gloomy weather didnt help.  I do feel a touch better today and have been productive today.

And lastly, thank you Sir for thinking about me, and giving me helpful advice even when you have your own shit going on.  It may be hard for me to express sometimes but you mean the world to me,and have been with me through the good and bad times, love ya lots!

 

I did sit for a few minutes at the altar with my makeup mirror on it, with the head-space I’m in at the moment I couldn’t bring myself to look in the mirror, I think I would just dissolve into tears, and be depressed, so I sat, wrote this, then sat some more.  For me I use electronic/trance music to get myself in a better frame of mind, where odd thinking and theories of what I should do next are much easier to handle cause I’m not over thinking them, where there can be a thousand million things i need to do floating thru my head, but its ok cause I’m not stressing over one particular thing or another.  It helped me clear my mind a bit and helped me center myself a bit more.    I had known I needed to it for awhile and i kept putting it off  not sure exactly why but should have trusted my gut on that one it definitely helped