Its been quite awhile since Ive written, Ive been meaning to but been super busy, and had trouble forming my thoughts into words.

Sir and I were talking about a meeting we were at for a group still in its inception stage  and a few other things  and I got a message from the mystery goddess about how a ritual about beauty would be a *really* good idea.  Its funny how things morf into other things.  I started thinking of the runes freya had written on me and started an inkling of an idea of a ritual tying the idea of beauty and self esteem into the runes pertho, Manaz, and Wunjo.

And then it all went weird from there.  when doing research into what the runes meant  in general and to me the ritual started to morf into possibly the first ritual of this new group-this part is still completely in the air since i dont know if it will ever get finished, whether people will want to do it etc, but all the meanings started to come up with things like community, asking for help from people you build trust with etc, and the clue by four hit me like ohhh duh!  This wasnt just about me it about community and kinship etc.

Originally I was thinking about possibly putting my getting the freya cutting at the end.  Im not sure that will still happen, it depends on how the other part of the ritual plays out.  I had been thinking about it alot and awhile ago had thought about doing it, but it was made clear to me it wasnt the right time.  It still might not be the right time, my plan it to have the runes written on me temporarily to see how I feel about them and if im doing it for the right reasons.

I was talking about all of this to someone the other day and he brought up the concept of worthiness in relationship to self esteem and things like whether I believe I am worthy of being in the group.  I struggle alot with that concept, whether I am worthy of love,  whether I am worthy of serving Sir (although he makes me feel I every day) its that internal voice  going your fat, your ugly, noone loves you, you suck at your job that you arent upposed to listen to but occasionally  when you are sad or things dont go your way that those words start to sneak in and sometimes you believe them.  Today Ive been feeling a combination of stress, sadness, and being mad at everything and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and just had this instant irrational Oh my god im so fat and ugly with made me even more depressed .  I have to constantly remind myself that I am beautiful, I am worthy, it might take me a bit   to remember but eventually I do (mostly).  I have to work on not feeling jealous when I see couples “enjoying” each others time, that can be really tough for me,but maybe the reason why I cant get a date to save my soul is the energy Im putting out, that im not beautiful etc  scares people off .