I’ve been watching this show Once, all about how “fairytale land” ended up in the “real world”  and in it  one of the characters is asked to believe, to believe in magic, and that they have never taken a leap of faith.  A leap of faith,  it struck a chord in me.. Thinking that there is some deity that is guiding me is a leap of faith that I have found very hard.  For me it was and still is hard to trust my own instincts.  Am I doing the right things to find out who they are?  I doubt myself alot, and frequently dont know where to go/do next.  But I plod along and sometime get some inspiration  which makes it worthwhile.

Other than telling Sir, I havent really mentioned that Ive been suffering some bouts of depression,, and occasional overwhelming sense of frustration and that nothing was going right for me, and that I couldnt do anything right.  Saturday we went to a kink party,  and it was also a leap of faith.  I had mentioned that with the headspace I was in there would probably be alot of crying.. And then he mentioned well we will see how it goes, and then it went in a completely different direction.  As soon as the first needle was in I was flying,  as part of it he wrapped some string around some of the needles and started  to pull on it,  And I got to thinking about the depression, that I need to get a handle on it and not let it over take my life , not hiding from it but taking control of it/managing it, actively working  on it ( like trying to find a therapist)  It allowed me to  remove myself from the issue for a moment and look at the bigger picture, and realize what I knew all along, that Im not worthless, I have friends who care for me, etc etc.  im not saying that one scene took the depression away, but its a start in the right direction.

For those that are squeamish about blood you might want to skip the next part.

I’ve always known that I had a blood fetish, I was always the kid who when I got a cut would lick the blood from my hands, I liked the smell, and taste of it.  And, later on realized what a powerful thing blood is.  Its life, energy, something precious I give to Sir, because I only do bloodplay with him unless he says otherwise,  The scene saturday was amazing, and it was exactly what I needed.  I needed to reconnect with someone, someone who cares for me, to have a physical/energetical/trusting reminder of that.  I needed to reminded that I can be sexy, and express myself ( there were some really hot folks at the party, one or two in particular I wouldnt mind getting to know real well).  During the scene, Sir could tell I was getting “toasty” and then said something to the effect of  this parts almost done, and then comes the bleeding, and that will take awhile.  He smiled that “evil” grin of his and my heart jumped.  Through a combination of impact on the needles and manipulating them I eventually was covered in blood from cunt to knees.  But it wasn’t some random splattering of blood, at first I thought it was the cliched phoenix, you know rises out of the flames to be reborn kind of thing.  But then I started to stare at it,and saw something completely different.  He was taking one of the needles he had removed from my skin and was catching the drips from the other needle holes and painting my skin with it.  I dont know how else to describe it but sparks on wind.  The blood swirls made me think of embers from a fire picked up by the wind.  A tiny spark from inside of me inspiring me to go on.

Sir has given me and sacrificed so much for me, I am happy and grateful he allows me to pay him back a bit in my service to him.  Nothing makes me happier then when I do something right and hear good girl  or pats my head as I’m sitting at his feet or helping him work.

Thank you Sir for allowing me to fly, and then come back down to ground when its needed