Its been almost a month since it was suggested to me in a reading to make a more conscious, chosen effort for the whole discovering my femininity as part of my spiritual path.  Ive been trying to avoid writing this journal entry, not sure exactly why but everytime i think about doing it i think of something else that needs to be done.

So i did move my makeup mirror to my altar, and its done some good and some not so great things.  The not so great: Sometimes i look in the mirror and see an old fat  ugly frizzy haired woman who cant get a date to save her soul, and as a side note recently i found some old framed photos of me when i was in high school, they were senior pictures, the kind you get your makeup and hair done, and at times i look at it and go see, that picture I was beautiful in  but look at what I’ve become now.

But the good:Its made me reflect on things in my life, sure in the high school picture I might have looked “pretty” but it doesn’t show the pain I was experiencing at the time with bullying and self image/esteem issues.  Its made me think of the blessings in my life, even though I hate my job at least I have one, I’ve got a roof over my head, and a Sir that constantly thinks of me and my well being.

Also,When I’ve been applying  makeup, its like the person in the mirror changes a bit and I can see the beauty inside of me for a bit.   I’m still not the greatest in applying makeup, but its something I’m working on.  And every so often i see images of things, its hard to describe but almost random people/places/things that I know, and the they are doing various everyday things, they are super short,  almost just a flash image more that a video -not sure what to make of it. Friday night before bed I got the overwhelming urge to paint my nails, normally something I wouldn’t do and after they were done I looked at them and all I could think of is the song from west side story I feel pretty, I got the sense that I was beautiful, and the next day when we were headed to lunch to meet someone  I felt beautiful inside/out the outfit I picked out went well etc.Long way to go but its a start.

I haven’t spent a lot of time just sitting in front of the altar meditating but its something I know I have to do and soon there are a lot of things swimming in my head and every time i walk by the front door where the altar is I feeling like I’m swimming in rose (there’s a strong  rose scented candle there) Hey look another water reference-something mentioned in my most recent reading.