Archive for September, 2013


the fire within? 09/21

Yesturday andToday has been a relatively bad day, Ive floated between depression stress, not wanting to eat wanting to just curl up in a corner and hide, but realistically its just one of those moments where everything seems to go wrong all at once, it just seemed intensified all at once.  Ive felt randomly anywhere from wanting to strangle people for the slightest perceived annoyance to wanting to just grab the first person I see and cuddle tackle them just for some human contact.  Although lately it seems I havent been able to keep in touch with folks ive wanted to but arent local

 Enough of that crap.

For several days I’ve been feeling the need to review some of my old spirituality notes.  I keep them in a folder, its a random collection of notes I’ve took, printouts of rituals attended or helped out with.  I haven’t done anything in a group setting since really the ordeal track at fusion and I miss it, the shared experiences, a sense of community, even if for a short time, and I miss it.  I went through them reminiscing about some of the amazing experiences I’ve had the last few years.

I mentioned in my last post about the rose candle on the altar by the front door  that I smell every time i leave the house, and that I’ve been getting the impression I’m swimming in rose.  I had gotten images like I was both somewhat literally swimming, in sort of water that was rose colored, and smelled like roses, and then later being surrounded by what I can only describe the essence of rose, the smell, a feeling of beauty, passion,sexiness etc, a feeling of more self confidence.  Its moments like these that keep me going  when it feels like the world hates me.

Last minute addition: I wrote this yesterday, and it was a pretty depressing and the gloomy weather didnt help.  I do feel a touch better today and have been productive today.

And lastly, thank you Sir for thinking about me, and giving me helpful advice even when you have your own shit going on.  It may be hard for me to express sometimes but you mean the world to me,and have been with me through the good and bad times, love ya lots!

 

I did sit for a few minutes at the altar with my makeup mirror on it, with the head-space I’m in at the moment I couldn’t bring myself to look in the mirror, I think I would just dissolve into tears, and be depressed, so I sat, wrote this, then sat some more.  For me I use electronic/trance music to get myself in a better frame of mind, where odd thinking and theories of what I should do next are much easier to handle cause I’m not over thinking them, where there can be a thousand million things i need to do floating thru my head, but its ok cause I’m not stressing over one particular thing or another.  It helped me clear my mind a bit and helped me center myself a bit more.    I had known I needed to it for awhile and i kept putting it off  not sure exactly why but should have trusted my gut on that one it definitely helped

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Its been almost a month since it was suggested to me in a reading to make a more conscious, chosen effort for the whole discovering my femininity as part of my spiritual path.  Ive been trying to avoid writing this journal entry, not sure exactly why but everytime i think about doing it i think of something else that needs to be done.

So i did move my makeup mirror to my altar, and its done some good and some not so great things.  The not so great: Sometimes i look in the mirror and see an old fat  ugly frizzy haired woman who cant get a date to save her soul, and as a side note recently i found some old framed photos of me when i was in high school, they were senior pictures, the kind you get your makeup and hair done, and at times i look at it and go see, that picture I was beautiful in  but look at what I’ve become now.

But the good:Its made me reflect on things in my life, sure in the high school picture I might have looked “pretty” but it doesn’t show the pain I was experiencing at the time with bullying and self image/esteem issues.  Its made me think of the blessings in my life, even though I hate my job at least I have one, I’ve got a roof over my head, and a Sir that constantly thinks of me and my well being.

Also,When I’ve been applying  makeup, its like the person in the mirror changes a bit and I can see the beauty inside of me for a bit.   I’m still not the greatest in applying makeup, but its something I’m working on.  And every so often i see images of things, its hard to describe but almost random people/places/things that I know, and the they are doing various everyday things, they are super short,  almost just a flash image more that a video -not sure what to make of it. Friday night before bed I got the overwhelming urge to paint my nails, normally something I wouldn’t do and after they were done I looked at them and all I could think of is the song from west side story I feel pretty, I got the sense that I was beautiful, and the next day when we were headed to lunch to meet someone  I felt beautiful inside/out the outfit I picked out went well etc.Long way to go but its a start.

I haven’t spent a lot of time just sitting in front of the altar meditating but its something I know I have to do and soon there are a lot of things swimming in my head and every time i walk by the front door where the altar is I feeling like I’m swimming in rose (there’s a strong  rose scented candle there) Hey look another water reference-something mentioned in my most recent reading.