I havent written in quite sometime, because really I havent had much to say.  I havent felt connected to anything spirituality wise.  Not that I havent been doing work at all, I have been doing research, meditating, trying to journey a bit (more on that later), and reading the devotional book to Hel.  Sometimes I do get frustrated, that I feel this lack of connection and that I dont know what to do about it.  But I still plug along, Im still thinking about several options, the cutting for freya, which I do feel is a right thing to do, but needs to wait till the right time, maybe doing an energy pull , with hooks- to help pull this block out of me, or some other sort of ordeal, but really I dont have a clue what shape that would take and would have to wait till something comes to me.

Its part of my spiritual path to try to embrace more of my feminine side, it hasnt been easy, because it means putting myself out there. And lately 2 things have happened one good, one bad .

The not so good: Ive been trying to make a concerted effort to look more “feminine”  taking care to dress well doing my hair, and wearing make up occasionally.  Now I know sometimes it might look like I dont care esp at work, but one day at work, when I had taken particular care to dress well and hair/makeup etc, i got several comments throughout the day along the lines of oh you look sexy, your all dressed up etc etc.  Now I know they meant well, but it made me feel like unless I spend a shit ton of time putting on makeup and doing hair stuff, that I dont count as feminine, that im invisible.


The good:I had bought a fan and the last rose candle at gettysburg  just recently.  I got this feeling that I really needed to buy the fan for freda.  I had planned to offer these to her, nothing super special a little grounding/center in front of the altar and a little freeform prayer and talking to her in my head.  It turned into a bit more, I had situated myself in front of the altar and to block the noises in my head I put some trance type music on, laid down, started to ground/center, and think of her, and I went on, not sure exactly how to describe it other than a journey.  I wasnt at home anymore, im not sure where I was, but it was like a meadow, and there was someone there, not sure who, but dont think it was freda, they were loving,  sensual  and made me feel good, there were other images that I dont really remember, some odd,. and kinda freaky but overall good.  I came back and grounded a bit, and im still trying to figure out what all that means, esp since its hard for me to express my sexuality dating wise, but i guess ill figure it out eventuality.