Archive for May, 2013


the fire within? 5/21

I havent written in quite sometime, because really I havent had much to say.  I havent felt connected to anything spirituality wise.  Not that I havent been doing work at all, I have been doing research, meditating, trying to journey a bit (more on that later), and reading the devotional book to Hel.  Sometimes I do get frustrated, that I feel this lack of connection and that I dont know what to do about it.  But I still plug along, Im still thinking about several options, the cutting for freya, which I do feel is a right thing to do, but needs to wait till the right time, maybe doing an energy pull , with hooks- to help pull this block out of me, or some other sort of ordeal, but really I dont have a clue what shape that would take and would have to wait till something comes to me.

Its part of my spiritual path to try to embrace more of my feminine side, it hasnt been easy, because it means putting myself out there. And lately 2 things have happened one good, one bad .

The not so good: Ive been trying to make a concerted effort to look more “feminine”  taking care to dress well doing my hair, and wearing make up occasionally.  Now I know sometimes it might look like I dont care esp at work, but one day at work, when I had taken particular care to dress well and hair/makeup etc, i got several comments throughout the day along the lines of oh you look sexy, your all dressed up etc etc.  Now I know they meant well, but it made me feel like unless I spend a shit ton of time putting on makeup and doing hair stuff, that I dont count as feminine, that im invisible.

 

The good:I had bought a fan and the last rose candle at gettysburg  just recently.  I got this feeling that I really needed to buy the fan for freda.  I had planned to offer these to her, nothing super special a little grounding/center in front of the altar and a little freeform prayer and talking to her in my head.  It turned into a bit more, I had situated myself in front of the altar and to block the noises in my head I put some trance type music on, laid down, started to ground/center, and think of her, and I went on, not sure exactly how to describe it other than a journey.  I wasnt at home anymore, im not sure where I was, but it was like a meadow, and there was someone there, not sure who, but dont think it was freda, they were loving,  sensual  and made me feel good, there were other images that I dont really remember, some odd,. and kinda freaky but overall good.  I came back and grounded a bit, and im still trying to figure out what all that means, esp since its hard for me to express my sexuality dating wise, but i guess ill figure it out eventuality.

 

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fire within 5/9

the other day i saw a billboard on a christian church that i think applies to any faith- “faith doesnt make things easy faith makes things possible”

It definately applies in my case.  Ive been in a slump lately,both spirituality wise and everywhere else.  Ive felt completely invisible socially, except for Sir who always seems to think of me no matter whats happening to him.  Ive felt lost, confused, stressed, disconnected from everything and everyone, wanting so much to feel human touch, feel a part of something, not knowing where to go, feeling like sometimes I just want to find a dark corner and hide for awhile, and frustrated about my lack of success at work.

This isnt going to solve everything, but the truth of the matter is some of it is my own fault. I tend to try to hide emotions, not ask for what I want, and not step back and realize that I am a part of several things, like my relationship with Sir which I think I getting the better end of the deal, because he always thinks of me, like when he says thank you for a simple task Ive done when he doesnt have to. And I might bitch about not having the money to go out and do actual fun things when I could get off my ass and try to get a better job or try and save money by cutting back on other things.  And I know im part of a larger kink community but sometimes I feel like an outsider, I know I can appear aloof and unapproachable, but mostly thats cause im shy  and alot of times dont know how to small talk or flirt (probably why I havent had a date in quite some time)if you can crack the shell im not a bad person to know.

Sorry back to spirituality, Ive felt disconnected and uninspired and well (see above some, or most, of  its my own damn fault).  Ive gotten over the the fact  that I had expected one day to have spirituality just drop into my lap and just know who (if anyone) is guiding me, I may never know, and im relatively ok with that but Ive felt the reasearch/work Ive done lately has left me feeling disconnected and uninspired from spirituality in general, and I dont really know what to do about it yet.  I did get that devotional about Hel and am just starting to read it , and so far its really interesting, but other than that im kinda at a lost.

I know I just need to plug along, and have faith.  I know it wont come to me right away, and Ill have to work at it , but eventually maybe ill get out of this feeling of being disconnected.

the fire within 5/5

So yesterday I mentioned  that I had some writing to do  about the fan that I  got, gettysburg in general and a few other things, so bear with me its gonna be a bit rambling.

I went and met my folks at gettysburg, every so often we meet up some where to visit since they are about 6 hours away.  Im intrigued by the civil war era, the history, the politics behind what led to the war etc.  I knew that there had been a lot of violence and death there, and while I didnt see any ghosts while i was there i did feel a sense of loss and sadness.  We had taken a bus tour earlier in the day, and that evening we took a “ghost walk” narrated by an author, i believe her name was “spooky” robinson or something like that, he was a really good storyteller and I had fun.  During the walk around town  we stopped here and there,  and at one point we at this dry creek bed, and the narrator said that this was a very violent spot during the civil war, and i felt a need  to touch the granite wall  and in my head i was thinking peace, that whoever was hanging around got what they need to get wherever they needed/wanted to go.  I did feel a bit more peaceful after that, but it was a very sad place for me

On a completely different note, while I was waiting  for the ghost tour to start there was a “general merchandise” store next door  and i was wandering around,turned a corner looked up and saw a fan, not just any fan a pink lacy fan, tottaly not my style, but i got this feeling i *should* buy it, so i did.  And to me its completley perfect for erzulie freda.  I had written last night about missing the fete style rituals Sir and I had been attending and had been reading a book aboutvoodoo/hoodoo, so its not surprizing i got a feeling to get something related to that.  But when i purchased it I felt, well I dont know I guess the word is pretty, girly.  Its something that is hard for me, because sometimes I feel invisible, unloved, but it made me feel better, and the whole weekend I felt like i looked better, my hair turned out ok etc .  I know some of it has to do with self confidence, but ill take what I can get.  I also thought it was interesting that the next day while outlet shopping i found the only rose candle in the sea of of a whole bunch of  candles on clearance , so I going to offer the candle and fan to freda as a thanks for helping me along my jou

Id really like to find a vodoun house that would allow to me watch/participate in a fete

So lately ive been bitching about not being inspired  and not knowing where to go spirituality wise. But i did at least order the devotional book for Hel and hopefully that will give me some inspiration in regards to her.  And i have restarted reading the book on voodoo/hoodoo, i do miss the fete style rituals Sir and i used to go to,  but i dont want to go back them at the moment (for reasons im not getting into here).  Illl write more on that later since im fall asleep, but the fan i picked up is for freda, because i was in the store and this fan practically jumped out at me, i got this overwhelmining feeling of feminity and beauty, more later falling asleep.
As a side note i did actually fall asleep writing this, because i came back later and realized i hadnt written anything about the ghost stuff, but as i am still half awake it will have to wait till later