Archive for February, 2013


daily fire 2/28

work was ok

Last night I was feeling kind of  depressed  and stressed and lonely, and felt like I needed to do something to get myself of the funk at least for a little bit  and i have this air freshener that reminds me of the ocean and water in general and i sprayed it around the room, and just stopped and inhaled the scent  and tried to let go .  At least it helped me focus and ground and center, and made me think of La Sirene

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daily fire 2/27

work was ok

started reading a book by a friend of mine R its a collection of essays and devotionals about Baphomet and its really interesting. Part of one of my spirituality projects is to learn more about who Sir works with to become a better shamans girl.  R describes her experiences with Baphy and how she came to serve him and the picture she paints about how he came to her in the body of another and claimed her.  I was very moved and felt like i was ther, that I could feel the emotions and see what happened that night.  Some of the other essays in the book are about service as a form of spirituality, which is what I feell I was called to do for Sir.  That I am the unseen pair of hands handing him or whomever has taken him the tool or item whatever is needed.  Still need to work on paying better attention to anticipate things better.  so back to baphy i dont know a ton about him, but here goes, can be male and or female, lord of pervasions,  has a particular affinaty for the forgotten, bdsm, sexual perversions.  I havent finished the book yet  but I really enjoy the personal stories/experiences and lookforward to finishing them to be able to understand baphy better

Daily fire 2/26

Work was survivable, had good chat with S about cooking stuff
Last nights research on tarot went ok, at least its a start. Going to do some more reading of the book tonight, its this really simple kinda kitchy book but at least its a start, ive got some more detailed books and a dvd that ill look at once i finish this basic one.  Still need to get moving on the la siren/ la balen cutting/tatoo whatever but it will have to wait till i have money.

Daily fire 2/25

Theres another post coming about my awesome (not!) day at work.

I still have alot of work that i would like to get done around the house but i have to admit ive been slackin spirituality wise and need to get back on track, there are some night s i dont know what to say in this daily fire thing and wait until im in bed and come up with something. I can whine and say im not inspired or i have so many other things to do or ive got so many spirituality projects i dont know where to start, but thats a choice, and one i shouldnt be taking and just get off my ass.  So tonight before bed im going to read up on tarot cards, i had wanted to learn more about divination system and Sir gave me this neat mini tarot book and tiny deck.

So it was a crappy day at work, i was in training for behavior analytics, one of those things call centers throw at employees thinking that it will provide better customer service by “discussing the types of calle” and getting to know what personality type  we are.  Ive been through several such trainings and they are all bullshit.  So the trainer is talking about a type called “reactions” that the people is this group are creative playful etc, and then mentions and some of them might flirt or hit on you, you know a guy might hit on a girl, or even a girl might hit on a guy, and then she says, in front of the whole class, I even had a girl hit on me, and then procedes to scrunch her shoulders, say something thing eww, and I dont go for that, and then says thats sick!.  Im stunned, i dont think the whole class heard that part, but really?  A few caveats,  ive had problems with this trainer from my original training, i suspected she was homophobic when i happened to mention  my on/off girlfriend  after that she was always very odd to me, rather short to mee when i asked questions etc.

But for a corporate trainer to be in front of a class and spout her own personal opinion is just wrong, im not out at work, but after talking to Sir Im going to report her to HR I just dont think she should get away with this.

Identity.

Ive stuggled with how people see me, especially lately.  Had you asked me 5 years ago i would have said i was a lesbian who presented as butch, but nowadays I see myself as queer with an evolving presentation that slides from kinda femmy back to butch.  But I feel invisible to the queer comunity.  I know alot of it is that I dont get out to events much, but even when I do I feel like an outsider.  I know sometimes I can come off as being aloof or cold, but really thats just a front,  my track records in relationships recently have been really bad, and sometimes if someone makes contact  and we start talking, sometime im just so scared that Im going to fuck things up again that I stop responding to emails, or make excuses to meet someone.  I know im a hard person to get along with, and that my protective shell is sometimes hard to crack but sometimes I wish I didnt feel so invisible.  I know I am super shy, and come with my own challenges, but really i dont care how you present yourself, as long as your willing to see me for who I am, and Im willing to see you for who you are/want to be, and we support and grow with each other in this  ever evolving  journey.

daily fire 2/24

got a decent amount of chores this am before folks woke up and spent the day hanging out.

thought of day i have the la sirene song stuck in my head  ive been thinking more about getting  the cutting on my arm fixed to represent  the aspects of la sirene/la balen ive had several experiences with water lately that lead me to believe its becoming more and more important , not that im forgetting the bind rune  that I should get for freya , but from what I can tell Im supposed to wait till spring for that

Daily fire 2/23

Busy morning, but awesome housewarming party with friends. Thought of the day the fragrance of roses is awesome. Ive had experiences with 2 deities that have associations with roses, freya and erzulie freda. Ive said many time that the whole idea of girly girl stuff frightened me because ive have always tried to go unnoticed, and what better way than to put on non descriptive clothing and no makeup. Today when i was out shopping i saw this litte set of shower gel and lotion that was rose scented, and i dont know if it was the monkeys in my brain or someone else going you really need that- well actually you need something thats better quality, this was on clearance from v day, but it will do in a pinch. So i picked it up and when i took a shower i used the shower gel, the scent didnt last long but it was enough to drift me off into visions/daydreams of my experiences with freya and freda and i was happy and content.

daily fire 2/22

work was ok, finally moved my seat-they are jumbling folks so when the new folks come out of training they will have more experienced folks nearby.

todays thought the energy of little kids is awesome  it makes you feel connected to some soul deep  happiness, even if its just for a moment , it made me feel calm peaceful, like i could forget about  stuff for awhile

work was ok

.Ive been hearing alot about spirituality practices and the freedom of choice, that we have the choice to practice or not practice our respective faiths, and a choice in how we practice our faith.   That its a choice to spend time doing reading and research about whomever or whatever you believe in.  That you need to choice to follow your own path and not blindly follow others

 

daily fire 2/20

work was ok

the other day i refreshed the saltwater for La Sirene on the altar and it got me to thinking that I was supposed to go back the ocean already, but life  has gotten in the way, I need to make sure i do it before the whole high season/tourist trap stuff kicks in, cause i hate crowds but yet not too early that the water is freezing, lately im been feeling a strong push to interact with water.