8/1/2012

Spent the morning sewing and putting in applications and rearranging my room, I get bored with the layout or in this case, my desk was on the really unlevel side of the floor and it was making me sit funny  so I flipped things around, yeah my floor is that unlevel  I had to stick pieces of wood under one side of my bedframe just to even it out cause otherwise I don’t sleep well .

So continuing on a theme from last night about water deitys Ive said for many years up until just recently that fire was my element, that I always felt at home around a fire, was pretty good at creating camp fires, have had visions in the flames, and can go into a trance just by staring at flames.  But I do remember  when I was a kid I really really loved the water, I took swimming lessons for  several years my parents house had a pool , and we spent summers at a cottage on a lake.  I was always in the water, I was a really good swimmer.  I felt happy in the water, and I think I do need to do it again on a regular basis.  Sir and I have gone to a pool a few times, but I think I need to schedule a time every 2 weeks or so  and reconnect.  I do still need to get back to the ocean but I think its going to be awhile, meantime I can practice a little in the tub..

The water deitys make me think of fluidity, that everything is changing, which is a rather big theme in my life ,that you need to go with the flow, that you need to let love in (which is rather hard for me) but that it will ebb and flow like the tide.

Love is a tough subject for me lately, Ive had 2 rather poor breakups with lingering consequences to my self esteem,  I felt used, and in the latest one I rushed into things when I shouldn’t have.  The minor intimate connections  I have now are not what I should be persuing even tho they could be fun.  I am super shy and its tough for me to make a move, but if I don’t make it then nothing will ever happen.

I want someone(s) to love that will be supportive but not co dependent, that if they have another partner that its ok if we kiss/hold hands/etc in front of them, that  I am not a secret, that will take the time to get to know the real me, that will understand if I want to take it slow, that I come with baggage-both good and bad, that is understanding of my ever changing spirituality path . But for now ill settle for a date Ill probably think of more later, and this got way off the beaten bath and derailed into love crap, I was feeling a bit lonely .  Im hoping if I get the job and get a better income in ill be able to go out to more events

Hopefully tomorrow will be better Im expecting to hear about a potential job tomorrow

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