daily fire/breakthrough and other crap – went to a ritual consecrating a temple space to deities of love and lust and all i could think of is when is love going to come my way.  real love not co dependency like I had with cyn.  i need to put the vibe out there for what I want.  I want to have relationships where I dont have to hide it, but that also means work on my side too as too my mom and coming out to her, which wont be a fun time.  There are 3 people who I either lust after or want to get to know better.  One that I didnt notice till just recently that I want to get know better and 2 that I seem to have a connection with but their poly situations are odd and dont really want to get entangled in quasi-poly drama.  I need to break with past loves and start new, forget lusting after what I cant/shouldnt want to  have and focus on bringing closer what I want .
There is someone I love with my whole heart but romantic/partner love just wasnt in the cards.  I do love him with all my heart, it didnt start out that way I thought I had just found someone who was hot, could tolerate me and my insecurities in the begining and I got someone who guides and supports me and loves me for who I am. When I see him and his new partner together I am both happy and sad, happy that he has found what he needs, and sad that it wasnt me.  That it wasnt me touching him that it wasnt me holding his hand, but it wasnt meant to be .  They are cute together and I am happy they are happy together.
I will be someones inspiriation eventually but like everything else patience is not my strong point I need to be willing to wait for that special someone.
Spirituality wise  I have a lot of research to do, people talk about different gods and I have no idea who they are talking about but dont want to ask a million questions. An related to that I need to fix my sleep problems so that way I could stay awake to do the research  and not feel tired after afew pages.  Also I need to go t omore classes, I go to a shit ton of events but hardley ever go to classes
Im trying to notice those little things, how people connect with each other thru ritual how you get out  what you put in how dedicated some people are to their upg.
Also, today I felt connected to La Siren more, my hair was wet when I put it in a bun and later i was hanging out with Sir and A i let it out and just began brushing it with my fingers I closed my eyes and could feel her precense, imagining her swiming in the ocean  with that long flowing hair

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