Archive for June, 2012

Daily fire

Today is going to be a challenging day,  last night it felt like I didnt get any sleep at all and I forgot the nuvigil at home so all I have is adderal and it doesnt work as well as the nuvigil.  Tonight we are going to the club where there part of the stuff I have to do takes place.  Its not physical, but it makes my stomach flip flop  just thinking about it.

Spirituality wise-maybe something/someone was trying to tell me something last night and I didnt hear it .  Guess I got to work harder on that whole pay attention to the brain stream thing


Daily fire

Daily fire-listening to your brain stream-Sir mentioned something he read about medications that keep us artificialy hyper focused like adhd neds and how they might stifle creative connections in the brain.  It relates because i take a med to keep me awake since they cant figure out even will the cpap why im so sleepy.  Its possible that while it keeps me awake and more focused i dont hear those small changes.  Instead of trying to shut my brain off during meditation its been suggested to listen to that never ending brain stream of thought etc and maybe i might learn something important.  I Admit i was taught along time ago that meditation means you have to shut your brain off and i was never good at that but there are sooo many distractions,tv, phone etc but maybe if i just turn the tv off turn some music on and relax and center i can hear that brain stream of conciousness and learn something

daily fires

So with the massive storm at fusion and pack out and unpacking etc i wrote the daily fire but either didnt have wifi or just didnt get around to posting it

dailly fire- letting go
I am a super impatient person, Sir can tell you.  I jump to conclusions and ask  million questions, rather that wait.  Sir mentioned to day that my reading was all about letting go that I need to give into my fate and that the outcome is not up to me but up to the fates.  Letting go is such a hard thing for me spirituality wise, I so want to know whats going on that I dont want to wait  and see what the future holds for me, I just want answers.Sir suggested that, sometime next year that a head washing might be in order but that I would need to get to a place of letting it go before that would be a good idea cause I might sit there and go ok im here and keep talking rather than listen what the spirits have to say.  I am very intrigued by voodoo, and would like to find a fete if I can to observe but finding a group that does open ones might be difficult.  Sir might have an in on that  that he will work on when the events over.
Thought for today, rituals can be simple,yet powerful and give people what they need.  They can be “ritual theater” and last hours, or a  simple gathering of like minded folks for 5 mins.
Also for some reason I have both the La Siren song and the Odin song  from utos playing over  and over in my head
6/23 looking over the last 2 days after a massive storm knocked out power for a day and downed tress, watching the community coming together making sure folks were ok was nice, and the show went on had crappy nights sleep with no power  meanin no cpap
so daily fire:love lust and fire:  I was assisting Sir at a private ritual last night  and I was sitting in the shadows waiting to be called and  looked over to where another person was standing in the shadows slightly to the left of them there was this figure, now it might have been a trick of the eyes I was tired but it wasnt human.  It was fire- a humanoid like shape essentially aflame-dont know what to make of that. as for the daily fire? lust and love I was at a sensual puja today dedicated to kama and raty gods of love and lust  it was a very nice ritual  very luxurious very inspirational I look at Sirs and his new relationship and think some form of that is what i want.  The love in their eyes for each other the banter back and forth, the, as they call it sickly sweetness.  But I am happy for them both
Afterthought- and  it might take a ritual honoring gods you are not familiar with to be inspiring, I have to do research on them
6/24 communication and transparency
This morning was a big issue, Sir and I talked about alot of things not going into all the details but the big message I got was communication, transparency and asking for what you want. Self worth is a big issue for me trying to remind myself that I am worth it or to ask for what I want.  Sir mentioned that hes not a mind reader, in the back of my head its this voice telling me his needs come first and that mine dont matter.  Well they do, if I dont pay attention to them they get bottled up and explode like today.  A class on 5 star servicehelped me refocus a little, when I get home im going to start that butler book Sir wanted and work on it a bit each day.  I am going to try to me more open about my disappointsments if things  dont  go thru the way it was planned and try to not tye myself to the outcome I am going to try to be more open about when I want to do specific kinds of play
daily fire- devotionals  Ive been thinking about what defines devotional work, and to me its time.  Time spent reading about the deity in question, praying  to them tending to thier altar items, and sometimes I dont know where to start, there are 3 that Id like to know more about and Id like to add something for them to my altar but the question is what  right now I have no idea.  Some times I wish there were classes on specific deitys  like most of the time when there are spirituality classes it seems they are pantheon based rather than a specific deity that had good resources on where to find good information .
Thes two weeks have been been very trying busy and lots of hard work and it has taught me alot : to be more thankfull for the gifts time and energy that is given to me but yet to ask for what I want  to strike that balance to look at the smaller picture, to stop and smell the roses, to enjoy being in the shadows like I always have been that sleep is massively important that transparency is the best policy but definately not the easiest one that alot of things can be spiritual even the small things like butterflys and fireflys, to take joy in small change
daily fire -work I see lots of it ahead but im actually ok with itI learned alot this past week I see quite big challenges ahead both personal and spiritual got to spend a decent amount of time with  2 of Sir’s shaman friends, todays inner fire is again going to be transparency Sir and I had an interesting/reveling/challenging conversation on the car ride home I feel like im physically exhausted but spiritually recharged and a bit more focused .
daily fire: home my current location doesnt feel like home to me, its a place where I lay my head untill i can get a new job and a new places.  Home is chosen family, hanging out with people you love, wherever you feel comfortable.
Spirituality  I was at the verizon store today to see if my phone could be fixed and was waiting for them to do some upgrades as was the person next to me  we got totalking and I noticed they had a mermaid tattoo which definately reminded of La Siren,  and then  when I got home all I could smell in my room was some incense I have for her, and it conjured up images in my head of ocean swimming and communing with her.  More later im super tired
daily fire inspiration and fear of change.  I have a thing to do with a party im going to friday and it scares me and turns me on at the same time.  I went shopping today for something to wear and it took alot of courage and acceptance to see an outfit as sexy on me -and it took 2 hours to find something after being sooo indecisive and then another 3 hours to do half an assignment that should have taken 30 mins without procrastination but at least thats parts done, now to do the really scarey part
spirituality wise: Ive been lax in tending altars  and refreshing items and its almost like I feel it, that something  is tugging at me going hey stupid pay attention, and I sure as hell dont want to piss anything off  .  So I did some things tonight and will spend some more time tomorrow.

daily fire 6/21/2012

Its hotter then hades today and all I want to do is curl up with a fan and not do anything, but I have duties to Sir.  Sometimes I drag my feet, and say something about the heat.  But that’s not what I feel deep down inside.  Its that spark of my dedication to him, the impetus of doing a good job because I want to.  That he has given me his time and energy, that familiar story of when I hear good job or good girl I flush from head to toe and he loves the way what he says makes me blush.

I so want to go swimming in her ocean, to feel her presence to let the waves wash over me.  Sir once said most likely she is a gateway to whomever “owns” my head and if you’ve been reading along youll know that that is my number one focus it seems these days that ive always felt something bigger guiding me even thru the good and bad times kind of like a trial by fire

Sir also mentioned that by journaling I should be able to see those small changes and be able to figure things out.  When I get back home im going to add a space on my altar for the person in question from the utos ritual (and yes for now im being intentionally vague still ) and just let him know im thinking about him, that im trying to learn more about him .  So letting him know Im here, but not expecting anything right this moment cause that’s the feeling I got in the reading the other day , and things will happen of their own accord

daily fire/breakthrough and other crap – went to a ritual consecrating a temple space to deities of love and lust and all i could think of is when is love going to come my way.  real love not co dependency like I had with cyn.  i need to put the vibe out there for what I want.  I want to have relationships where I dont have to hide it, but that also means work on my side too as too my mom and coming out to her, which wont be a fun time.  There are 3 people who I either lust after or want to get to know better.  One that I didnt notice till just recently that I want to get know better and 2 that I seem to have a connection with but their poly situations are odd and dont really want to get entangled in quasi-poly drama.  I need to break with past loves and start new, forget lusting after what I cant/shouldnt want to  have and focus on bringing closer what I want .
There is someone I love with my whole heart but romantic/partner love just wasnt in the cards.  I do love him with all my heart, it didnt start out that way I thought I had just found someone who was hot, could tolerate me and my insecurities in the begining and I got someone who guides and supports me and loves me for who I am. When I see him and his new partner together I am both happy and sad, happy that he has found what he needs, and sad that it wasnt me.  That it wasnt me touching him that it wasnt me holding his hand, but it wasnt meant to be .  They are cute together and I am happy they are happy together.
I will be someones inspiriation eventually but like everything else patience is not my strong point I need to be willing to wait for that special someone.
Spirituality wise  I have a lot of research to do, people talk about different gods and I have no idea who they are talking about but dont want to ask a million questions. An related to that I need to fix my sleep problems so that way I could stay awake to do the research  and not feel tired after afew pages.  Also I need to go t omore classes, I go to a shit ton of events but hardley ever go to classes
Im trying to notice those little things, how people connect with each other thru ritual how you get out  what you put in how dedicated some people are to their upg.
Also, today I felt connected to La Siren more, my hair was wet when I put it in a bun and later i was hanging out with Sir and A i let it out and just began brushing it with my fingers I closed my eyes and could feel her precense, imagining her swiming in the ocean  with that long flowing hair

I can tell this daily inner fire thing is going to be a challenge, I was about to drift off to sleep and was like oh shit forgot to do it.  So hmm daily fire for today cuteness and passion.  The aww how cute of new love, the cute ways someone talks to their possessions.  The passion of an artist creating a new work in front of your eyes.  The way I blush  when Sir tells me what he is going to do to me

As far as the small details Im supposed to notice- How A’s eyes light up when he is around Sir.  The faith without evidence is ok, that spirituality doesn’t always come in the form of a special ritual or a book.  That you can devote time energy and prayer  wherever you happen to be  to whomever you wish

So got a reading today about something that happened at a utos ritual and well it was interesting.  Essentially it said to look at that small daily changes, rather than the bigger pictures.  To journal those small daily changes, my inner fire, what inspires me .  That really I didn’t know about the person that had “noticed me” and that to read up on them and talk to godspouses, and godslaves  and people that know them to be able to decide whether I wanted to have a relationship with them or not .  That Im not going to control who owns my head or when I find out, and that part of it is up to the fates.

Todays inner fire :I feel inspired about Sir and his work He and Winter spent several hours doing a reading for me trying to figure out what the deity in question wanted .  It didn’t go nearly as I had thought, but I appreciate it so much.   I appreciate their expertise, and advise I might not have shown it though I was exhausted and trying to keep my eyes open.

It is frustrating since Im sooo impatient. But after sleeping on it I realized some of it has to do with the fact that part of it is “I want to be in the cool kids club”  I want to know who “owns” my head I want to be able to engage/talk/whatevers with other spiritual folks who already know  who owns their head.  The truth of the matter? I already can even without knowing who owns my head.  I am surrounded by folks who know a shit ton more than I do about different dietys, spirituality etc than I do, and that by conversing with them asking questions etc I can learn what im supposed to know

What I learned today: It is a lesson I have been learning a lot, to be patient, to stop to smell the roses and notice the bee on the rose instead of looking too far ahead and missing the little stuff.

More work ahead, I should have gotten the clue by 4 by now that I need to sit back take notes and listen.  Now time to try to make this a daily practice.