Archive for May, 2012

So um yeah, it was a weird birthday  I went to a trance possession  ritual Sunday  and for a good majority of it was not feeling into it.  Sure I had fun hanging out with folks and dancing for those we called but I was expecting a whole different experience I guess I was being a little selfish I figured since it was my birthday that maybe something would happen –well it did but not in the way I thought it would but we will get to that later.  I was feeling like my head was just really closed up, and Sir asked me if I was having fun and I kinda blurted out no and the difficulties I was having, he reminded me that it doesn’t always happen s and just cause it doesn’t nothings wrong.  And I mentioned in the very beginning it was easy to get possessed and he said that since now you know what happens sometimes it can be more difficult to open your head up   Well then stuff started to happen, I really wanted to talk to La Siren and she showed up but wasn’t very talkative to me, although the energy I felt around her was amazing and got the feeling I really need to go back to the ocean.  So the weirdness started then,Im not going into super detail right at the moment but I had interactions  (where I was not the horse) with 2 that I don’t normally invite/have interactions with/know much about .  One who drew something on me (in marker-had it been their choice it would have been a scalpel).  The other wanted  something Im not ready to give without a lot of thought research, etc and even then not sure id want to-I am being very vague mostly on purpose for the moment if you want details ask me and I might tell you .

Sooo lots more work ahead although on a side note it kinda pissed me off and made me depressed that not a single person commented, sent an email or anything about my what I wanted post on FL kinda hits the self esteem meter way way down.  Sigh, moving on, is it too much to ask for a date? Just one?  I wish I wasn’t so shy so I could ask out a few folks I have eyes on-although I don’t think im really their type, and  the ones I do find that are interested in me are not right for me  wish there was a kinky dating service

More later too tired now



Motivation has been hard to come by lately, Ive been unemployed now for just about 3 months and it seems im going nowhere lately.  I rarely get any responses at all and haven’t gotten even an interview for 2.5 months.  I know im not perfect but damn I did work hard when I was working and do have some skills.  Sometimes I just sit here bumming around on the internet doing nothing cause im like why bother applying for jobs when nothing will happen, and it hurts my self esteem because I fear  no one wants or needs me –both for a job and romantically too.  Some days its hard to get motivated to do anything cook, clean etc

But today I thought about it a lot, no one wanting me is a big fear and theme in my life lately but if I don’t do the work to let people know im available and to be more open then how are folks supposed to get to know me .  I did some devotional work last night as well and felt refreshed.  I also have taken to getting out of the house more whether it be to a park or roaming around a thrift store .  Tomorrow Im going to reorganize my strategies for job searching, and hopefully find new avenues of opportunities


So universe, Im putting it out there that Im available to date, you never know you might like me (localish preferred) writing to follow soon on fl about what im looking for

Im sure Ill need to keep reminding myself that its not as bad as I fear  and that I will find a new job eventually so wish me luck