Sir and I were talking tonight about identity and how we as a society label ourselves.  And I realize that Ive always tried to fit myself into a stereotypical label or my perceptions of what that label meant.  I wanted so much to fit in to belong a community to have friends, to be accepted, to be loved that I was willing to push myself into an established label, even though I thought I was being “different” by being goth, or punk, or butch.  But I think Sir put it well when he said that people would see me as a particular label/identity but then I would look at someone who identities that way (like butch for example) and think well I don’t look like them so that label must not fit, and would just cause me anxiety that I was never going to fit in and never find what im looking for

But I don’t need to fit in, or at least Im going to work towards convincing myself of that because really if you have to put on a mask and pretend to be something your not are you really going to be happy.  It is scarey to me saying that because I want so much to have intimate relationship with folks  but in the back of my head I hear well if I don’t dress a certain way or wear makeup or act in a certain way im never going to find anyone.  That I need to conform to a particular stereotype.  I am going to try to remind myself that I don’t need a label unless its one that I like, like slave or girl ( as Sir refers to me occasionally )

I am a complicated, multifaceted being and if you stick around long enough to  crack my wall you just might see something you like and well im totally worth it even thought I don’t always think so.

There are many labels that might describe me : little, slave, goth, fat, old, stubborn, unemployed.  But I need to work on that they don’t own me and they are not everything about me, there is so much more

I never thought I would be where I am now at 40 ( well in 2 months 41) unemployed etc, I could have never imagined the relationship I have with Sir.  We were waiting for Sir to come out of the bathroom and Sirs spouse and I were talking, and he said thank you for being here, and being around and for helping so much, and I mentioned this is what you do for people you love.

You sacrifice time, sleep, comfort.  But in the grand scheme of things whats a little sleep when you can hold their hand,  give them comfort when they are hurting , you can help by just being present,  fetching water, etc.  Sir has given me so much,   im not keeping score, im not trying to think in my head well I did this for him so I expect xy and z.  That’s not what friends/partners/slaves/whatevers do.  I do this because I can, not because I expect something, or hold it over their head, like hey remember when I did xyz for you . if I was working I wouldn’t be able to be here as much and Sir would understand that.