Archive for April, 2012


dancing?

So last night at the last moment I decided to go to a drag king show at at bar I had heard about.  It was only about 30 mins away.  Its billed as a gay, but welcomes a mixed crowd, so I said what the hell.  Overall the performance was excellent, some of the performers wernt as polished, but dang it takes guts to get up there and perform, and some of them it was their first time.  There was one called Diablo who did a number to Avenged Sevenfolds Nightmare holy god that was hot, Im lusting after the boots they were wearing and they can put me in a straightjacket (they had a partner in one) anytime!
One set of performers though I was a bit put off by they were singing a song and I wanted to offer a tip, which several of the crowd members were doing.  It might be my perception, but I felt they purposely ignored me, I could chalk it up to they didnt see me or their act didnt have them coming in my direction.  But several times I thought I caught their eye and then they would look away, and then one of them came right up to where I was standing with a few other people around, they looked at me looked at the person next to me and grabbed their hand and pulled them out on the floor.  I wasnt expecting the performer to do that to me, I just wanted to give them a tip for the performance they gave, and felt slighted.  Ahh well moving on
After the show the DJ started to play music, but it was rather odd selections, or at least odd to me, what I would consider top 40 type music from about 8-12 months ago but alot of people were dancing so who knows.  After the show most of the crowd was sooo young I bet about 70 percent of the people there  were young enough to be my kid, I felt sooo old.  But there was some really nice eye candy and some I wouldnt mind getting to know better, esp the one in black jeans/shirt with pink suspenders (yeah I know pink but they were hot).
I barely talked to anyone because im so shy, but the music got better as the night went on even if the dj needs to work on his transitions. I so miss going out and dancing on a regular basis, even though I dance like an idiot I have fun and the energy from the crowd is infectious. I hope to go again

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dating and community

 

So saturday  I went to speed dating designed for poly/kinky/etc folks.  I had a lot better time that I expected.  I’m so painfully shy that putting myself out there like that scares me to death, but if I want a date  I have to do something.  it started out weird, I had signed up  and  and had off street parking which was nice  the organizers said someone paid my fee so they were giving me a refund.  Actually i was kinda creeped out, who wanted me there so much they wanted to pay my fee, I just hoped they didn’t except anything from it.  It was in baltimore so off I go, the venue was relatively easy to find, check in and mention that I was a little weird about someone paying for me but the organizers put me at ease, they couldn’t tell me who, but made it seem rather casual, and just fine.  the night before I almost chickened out .  But they handed out the sheets and explained how it worked.

When Im nervous I tend to talk really fast and a lot, cause awkward silences are not fun for me they make me feel weird, so I might have asked some odd rather vague and repetitive questions, but that 7 mins for each one flew by!! there were a few that I didn’t connect with, but thats to be expected.  Out of a potential 10 “dates” i matched with 7.  Seven people or couples thought I was interesting enough to get to know better!!!  Two folks I didn’t connect with and 1 that didnt connect with me, so not too shabby.

Some folks I thought were interesting, as friends I wanted to get to know them better and hang out with and some I thought might have potential in the future for more.  I should have done this years ago.  Ive always said I wanted to get more involved in community, and I hope this group has more events that I can get to.
And well if this leads to a date even if it doesn’t go far, it be really nice since I haven’t done hardly any of that in a long time and hardly know how to anymore. Ive had enough heartache in the past, and enough of a break (i think), im not looking to rush into things, but it would be nice.  And more friends would be nice too
Im bad with communication, Im working on it, but still have a long road ahead, emotional transparency is rather difficult for someone who for the majority of her life kept those things to herself, because to share them mean I was vulnerable, and was hurt.  I need to communicate better with my current and potential partners, wish me luck

Identity

Sir and I were talking tonight about identity and how we as a society label ourselves.  And I realize that Ive always tried to fit myself into a stereotypical label or my perceptions of what that label meant.  I wanted so much to fit in to belong a community to have friends, to be accepted, to be loved that I was willing to push myself into an established label, even though I thought I was being “different” by being goth, or punk, or butch.  But I think Sir put it well when he said that people would see me as a particular label/identity but then I would look at someone who identities that way (like butch for example) and think well I don’t look like them so that label must not fit, and would just cause me anxiety that I was never going to fit in and never find what im looking for

But I don’t need to fit in, or at least Im going to work towards convincing myself of that because really if you have to put on a mask and pretend to be something your not are you really going to be happy.  It is scarey to me saying that because I want so much to have intimate relationship with folks  but in the back of my head I hear well if I don’t dress a certain way or wear makeup or act in a certain way im never going to find anyone.  That I need to conform to a particular stereotype.  I am going to try to remind myself that I don’t need a label unless its one that I like, like slave or girl ( as Sir refers to me occasionally )

I am a complicated, multifaceted being and if you stick around long enough to  crack my wall you just might see something you like and well im totally worth it even thought I don’t always think so.

There are many labels that might describe me : little, slave, goth, fat, old, stubborn, unemployed.  But I need to work on that they don’t own me and they are not everything about me, there is so much more

I never thought I would be where I am now at 40 ( well in 2 months 41) unemployed etc, I could have never imagined the relationship I have with Sir.  We were waiting for Sir to come out of the bathroom and Sirs spouse and I were talking, and he said thank you for being here, and being around and for helping so much, and I mentioned this is what you do for people you love.

You sacrifice time, sleep, comfort.  But in the grand scheme of things whats a little sleep when you can hold their hand,  give them comfort when they are hurting , you can help by just being present,  fetching water, etc.  Sir has given me so much,   im not keeping score, im not trying to think in my head well I did this for him so I expect xy and z.  That’s not what friends/partners/slaves/whatevers do.  I do this because I can, not because I expect something, or hold it over their head, like hey remember when I did xyz for you . if I was working I wouldn’t be able to be here as much and Sir would understand that.