WARNING: this is even more rambling than usual so read at your own risk:

Its been 3 weeks since I was laid off for the first time ever, its been weird.  The first week I went gang busters, working 8-10 hours a day on resumes, or unemployment paperwork or searching jobs.  My father had made me feel like crap because when I told him some folks I know that had been unemployed for awhile only spend approx 3-5 hours a day, and that they advised I do the same because otherwise you will go nuts .  My dad said well I don’t know if I’d do that you should really concentrate on sending out those resumes, I m mean your used to working 8 hours a day right?  I tried to argue my  friends position but really even at my age there is no arguing with my father, there never has been.  I f you don’t do things his way then its “not right”.   But now I just don’t tell him that I don’t do 8 hours a day, after the first week my eyes were so tired and my hand hurt and were so swollen I couldn’t really do much

If you’ve read my prior posts you know that my family was not big on emotional displays and that both my father and my Sister have mental issues.  I talked to mom the other day and my Dad’s issues are getting better thank goodness .  For my issues being unemployed has definitely not helped, but  after the first week of crazyness putting in apps and such  things have calmed down some.  I have also become more organized, actually  sorting paperwork into folders for insurance, taxes heath records etc and  I have cleaned a lot and tried to organize stuff  and sort it into categories like electronics, toiletries etc and out them into baskets and drawers and stuff, so its not always just hanging out on a table or floor or something…it doesn’t always work and I don’t always put stuff back but it’s a start.  It was one of those oh ill get to it when I have more time, and well Ive got a lot more time.

I still get those sad times those times where I feel like no one wants me both for a job and for relationships, yes I know somebody wants me somewhere but it would be nice  if they were nearby.  Its rather depressing at times, and im trying to do what I can, at least look like I care about my appearance, because I bet thats part of the reason. And trying to get out in the community cause well if you dont go out and meet people how are you ever going to find the relationships you are looking for.  It sounds easier then it actually is thats for sure.

Why oh why do emotions and emotional relationships have to be so freakin hard?  I never thought Id be like this at 40 years old Ive always been a slacker, just kinda skippin thru life, and lately within the last 3ish years Ive gone thru, or started to go thru a transformation –yeah if you’ve been reading prior posts you’ll see a pattern of repeats and a theme going.   But this transformation is different; there are people around me that, for the most part hold me accountable for those attempted changes.  I am thankful for these people, without them I dont know where I would be.  Sometimes I feel like IM sliding back to that place just skipping thru like not thinking about the consequences, especially now that im unemployed.  Well actually now that I think about it , I have slipped, one of my goals was to spend 15 mins a day on spirituality topics, and ive been slacking so time to restart that.  One of my other goals, moving, is going to have to be on hold until I know where I have a job .

Motivation right now is a hard thing, being 40 having no job for the first time since I was 15 is both a good and bad thing, good in that I have time to do some massive decluttering  and cleaning .  But it brings up those insecurities, no one wants me im crap etc.  Im trying to get motivated to keep to a schedule but finding that motivation is very difficult.

All this crap makes relationships even harder, trying to be emotionally transparent  is extremely difficult for me, I hate confrontation putting my feelings out there saying that I like someone is terrifying for me because Im afraid of getting rejected.  I know that makes relationships and life in general tough and Ive been working on it, but there is so much more to do.

When I got into the “scene” many years ago I had this idea in my head as to what I wanted, I wanted someone dark, who played with energy, who was connected to their spirituality.  I had the typical fantasy, I would meet someone, submit, serve them, move in with a happy poly family and live my life happily ever after.  Boy was I ever wrong!  I thought that’s what I wanted, had you asked me 3ish years ago if I was a slave I would have said no way.  But then I met this guy, which I now call Sir, he saw and brought out  in me something I didn’t really want to admit.  His job, is to proke,prod, call me on things.  He calls me occasionally his “project”.  Deep down I trust him that what he is doing  is in my best interests, and I have seen positive change.  Yes its not always happy, there can be very powerful emotions,  and I cant fix everything even though I want to .   But relationships take work right?  I am glad he is willing to take the time to work on things

But I f I could do it all over? I would drop to my knees in front of him in a heartbeat, I would do what ever he asked (within my limits).  Serving him in whatever capacity I can makes me happy.  I am a want to be in the background kind of person an am happiest at events when I have a particular job to do.  I might always do the best job but I try, my short term memory issues and lack of focus issues can be challenging for anyone around me.

This next few weeks I think are going to be very challenging not having a job, I am still trying to get my self out there  going to munches and stuff but with  no job I also want to keep an eye out on gas costs.  I also need to starting working more on spirituality stuff if I ever want to have any sort of clarification.

Essentially I need to get off my ass an get to work