Archive for February, 2012


randomness

I rarely feel sexy.  You know like putting on an outfit and feeling all “sexified”, acting all sexy and sensual.  Some of it stems from previous self esteems issues and stereotypes.  And some of it is that I just dont know how.  Im so awkward when it comes to dating these days I dont know what I’m doing.  All of that emotional insecurity pops up.

I see people romantically together and I feel happy that they have found someone to be happy with, but in the back of my head Im like what about me.  It causes some crying at inappropriate moments.  I know part of the reason why I dont have that happiness is my own fault of not communicating my feelings properly, and not pursuing people I am interested in, but its hard work for someone who is shy and who for showing their emotions all the time is a relatively new thing.

The other day I was sitting in from of my altar meditating trying to recenter and focus my energies on the job hunting.  Recently I have been trying to test out serving/doing work for La Siren.  Sir helped me commune with her a few weeks ago, details maybe later, it was rather intense.  I wasnt even thinking about her specifically just hanging out in front of my altar, where I do have a few pieces to honor her, when during meditating I got the sudden urge to “swim” across the floor!  My legs were kinda stuck together moving together in a kicking motion across the floor (my floor is really old wood and is slippery) Its like I could feel the water and the saltyness and the noise in the air as if I had been in the ocean and popped my head above water. I t was amazing!

Ive always thought that fire was my one and only element, it entrances me it transforms me, I feel comfortable when im around it .  I could stare into a flame and occasionally see visions, and ive used staring at a flame to meditate.

Exploring La Siren  has reminded me that when I was younger I was as much into water as I was fire.  I swam any time I could, as a fat kid swimming was one sport I could do much easier than running  or those types of sports.

I loved feeling the water around me supporting me, floating there with not a care in the world.  It was the one place I could as a fat kid, go fast kicking through the water, and I was pretty decent at it too.

After my 20s when I moved away from home I stopped swimming for the most part-My folk had a cottage on a lake – and since I moved far away and had to be working full time , swimming never seemed to be a priority.  Its time to get back into I think, even on an occasional basis once all this job thing settles down, and well its good exercize for my bad knees so added bonus

I also think that its time for a trip to the beach/ocean when the weather gets better

more later

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I never have been unemployed when I wanted to be.  I starting working around age 15 part time and since then up untill friday I have always had a job Ive always quit a job and had one waiting in the wings.  This past Friday I was laid off, because my work was moved to the Philippines.  I never realized how much work goes into looking for work.  I probably spent multiple hours today filling out online forms because a lot of sites wont let you copy and paste or insert a resume form.  Just narrowing down what sectors of jobs to look for and in what area geographically seems like it takes forever.  Ive turned my desk in my bedroom into command center with maps and sticky notes on the wall about what needs to be done when.  Sometimes I get sad and feel slightly unwanted, but Im trying to look at the bright side I might be able to find a better job in a location I prefer.  And now for a break since my fingers are hurntin