One of my friends linked a post on fb about sexual shame, and how we feel shame because we don’t accept who we are and that what we want is ok (http://www.bilerico.com/2012/01/beyond_shame_embracing_sexual_freedom.php)   I watched the video and had tears in my eyes.  Accepting who I am, what I do, and self esteem issues have/are big things in my life.
A lot of it has to do with the perception of being unwanted, and if you have read any of my prior ramblings you know the others-jealousy, the perception of being unloved.   Now I know that am loved, but  it’s the voice in the back of my head saying noone wants you, noone finds you attractive I hear when I cant find a date, or a romantic interest fizzles out, etc.  Im not holding myself completely blameless, I need to take better care of myself, but  Im always scared to put myself out there, and maybe get rejected, and heck maybe Im scared I wont get rejected.
I realize that I sometimes push away friends and others when they get to close because I don’t want to be seen as vulnerable, its just the way I grew up, it was my coping mechanism to deal with all the crap I went through when I was younger.   And now most recently even though I have opened up more than ever,  and have a Sir that is extremely patient and supportive, sometimes those insecurities rear their ugly heads.

So yeah I have lots of baggage, and sometimes I feel completely unattractive to anyone.

But, I am happy to serve Sir
I am proud to be Sir’s girl
I am happy to be a little occasionally

I am happy that I can sew
I am happy for the friends I do have
I am happy I am kinky and wish I could do more kinky stuff.
I am happy that I am exploring my spirituality.
I am  an exhibitionist when it comes to kinky stuff-give me a crowd at a kink club and Im in heaven
I am scared to put myself out there dating wise
I am scared no one loves or wants me (even though I know people do want me)
I am occasionally scared about sexuality in general –Will I do something wrong , will they not like me, etc

So um yeah if you want to ask- I like it  (as in sex) rough, forceful, fast, etc, but occasionally the soft touchy feely, squishy  kind is fine too.  Don’t take this the wrong way I don’t go for random sex,  a relationship and trust of some nature is essential first, and you might notice im fun and entertaining too.  Im super shy, but ya never know

I know that one post isnt going to fix anything right away, but its just another step in my journey.

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