Archive for January, 2012


Unemployment perhaps

Sooo looking at the writing on the wall, there is a possibility that I might be unemployed in the next few months

I work for a company that handles brand identity, price monitoring, IP/copyright threats etc. For a year we were doing around 10-15 hours a week overtime, paychecks were great but had no time to myself . Then the boss left, a new one took over and they started to farm some of the grunt work off to the phillipines. In therory that was a welcome change, it meant that I could stop doing massive overtime, and we had so much work that them starting really didn’t make a huge dent.

In the beginning they sucked at the work, we had to qc it and they made massive mistakes, they got somewhat better and then they tripled the office size in the philipines. We still had plenty of work to keep us busy but then the weird stuff started happening

Im pretty sure the boss is homophobic, and I really don’t talk to my coworkers if I can help it, they are so close minded so I don’t have an ear on the office gossip. People started to leave with no notice and no word from management as to what happened, not even a canned they are no longer with the company we wish them luck kind of thing. I work in an office of what was 15 people, but in the past say 6-8 months 5 people left 4 with no notice and no word from management, but they hired a new account manage but yet we really havent gained a ton more clients.

To add to it, well this might be might own over reaction, but I have a feeling they are trying to slowly get rid of me. I work on a project that is special, for one client only, that noone else does (or knew how to do up untill 4 weeks ago), which is due every month. I do help out with the “regular” workload as well but this is mine. So about a month ago, about a week and a half before decembers report was due I got an email from the boss saying all the members of my team needed to be trained to do my project. She said well everyone needs to know so they can help you out if you get behind.

Which is bullshit, because I have never been late unless she caused me to be because she pulled me off the project more and made me help the others. She also had me break up the report and have them do parts of it to learn it better. Im all for training a backup, so if im on vacation oh say for beltane and am gone a week I can come back knowing some of it was done instead of coming back and finding I was a week behind.

So because I had to train them and fix their mistakes I was approximately about 4 days later that usual, which is STILL on time I almost always finish up around the 25th of the month. My “team” worked extremely slow, not just I don’t know how to do this slow but ass backwards slow. They also said they were going to be able to do 2 parts of the report, but ended up only being able to do 1 part so I had to scramble at the last minute.

So as this month has progressed, the workload has been getting less and less, as more is being done by the phillipines and suddenly I have all this time to get my project done great, Ill get it done early, and then Wednesday the boss sends an email, oh we are going to have the philipines “try” to do some of your project.

And that made me scared for my job, I might be being paranoid but I looked at the workload for this upcomin week on Friday and there wasn’t much there, so who knows, I sent a rather direct but polite email asking about the workload and whether Ill still have a job so we shall she what she says (well that’s if she responds, she has a habit of not responding to me). I had already started to look for another job in my target area of where I wanted to live, but now I think I really need to step it a lot more!

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emotional/sexuality stuff

One of my friends linked a post on fb about sexual shame, and how we feel shame because we don’t accept who we are and that what we want is ok (http://www.bilerico.com/2012/01/beyond_shame_embracing_sexual_freedom.php)   I watched the video and had tears in my eyes.  Accepting who I am, what I do, and self esteem issues have/are big things in my life.
A lot of it has to do with the perception of being unwanted, and if you have read any of my prior ramblings you know the others-jealousy, the perception of being unloved.   Now I know that am loved, but  it’s the voice in the back of my head saying noone wants you, noone finds you attractive I hear when I cant find a date, or a romantic interest fizzles out, etc.  Im not holding myself completely blameless, I need to take better care of myself, but  Im always scared to put myself out there, and maybe get rejected, and heck maybe Im scared I wont get rejected.
I realize that I sometimes push away friends and others when they get to close because I don’t want to be seen as vulnerable, its just the way I grew up, it was my coping mechanism to deal with all the crap I went through when I was younger.   And now most recently even though I have opened up more than ever,  and have a Sir that is extremely patient and supportive, sometimes those insecurities rear their ugly heads.

So yeah I have lots of baggage, and sometimes I feel completely unattractive to anyone.

But, I am happy to serve Sir
I am proud to be Sir’s girl
I am happy to be a little occasionally

I am happy that I can sew
I am happy for the friends I do have
I am happy I am kinky and wish I could do more kinky stuff.
I am happy that I am exploring my spirituality.
I am  an exhibitionist when it comes to kinky stuff-give me a crowd at a kink club and Im in heaven
I am scared to put myself out there dating wise
I am scared no one loves or wants me (even though I know people do want me)
I am occasionally scared about sexuality in general –Will I do something wrong , will they not like me, etc

So um yeah if you want to ask- I like it  (as in sex) rough, forceful, fast, etc, but occasionally the soft touchy feely, squishy  kind is fine too.  Don’t take this the wrong way I don’t go for random sex,  a relationship and trust of some nature is essential first, and you might notice im fun and entertaining too.  Im super shy, but ya never know

I know that one post isnt going to fix anything right away, but its just another step in my journey.

Music, spirituality

Music is my “go to thing” it inspires me , when I am sad I can put on show tunes and start singing and and it makes me smile,  if I am frustrated, angry, super emotional  putting on the hardest, fastest thing I have (usually techno or speed metal/punk type stuff) calms  me down.

This weekend I didn’t have any specific plans, I wasn’t traveling anywhere.  I wanted to catch up on my spirituality goal of spending at least 15 mins a day working on it , so I popped my headphones  into my laptop and started playing some upbeat music so I could concentrate .

And there started my weekend long cleansing fest.  After doing some reading I got the inspiration to clean  And I don’t mean just picking a few things up and putting them away.  I mean tearing things apart and moving them around .  I ended up moving by bed into my “craft room” so that I could scrub my bedroom from top to bottom ( still not finished with that part) I feel  clean in both the physical and the energetical/spirituality sense,  I felt like I was cleaning away the negativity, getting a better focus on things.  Eventually when I finish cleaning my “old” bedroom for awhile ill leave my bed in the craft room use my “old” bedroom as a retreat, with my altar some cushions/blankets for hanging out, devotional time and yoga

Also I was sewing  a ritual project and due to the nature of the fabric every time I ate, or got my hands dirty I needed to wash them otherwise the fabric would stain.  When I was running my hands under  the water I could feel the negative stuff washing away with the water, flowing away, making me calm, and making me feel  like the project was going to go well (so far so good)

So a rather productive weekend overall , more work to come

So as predicted Ive  already slacked off on the devoting 15 mins a day to spirituality topics, ive missed today and yesterday.  So Im going to restart thursday, and a book I ordered came in so hopefully that will keep me motivated, got a little too lax and  just vegged.

So yet again I was reduced to tears, I had seen an aquaintance of mine join a group and  I was nosey so I took a look, it was a group for people to leave condolences.  I took a look at the D/M types profile, and I instantly starting crying, the s type that had passed away was a little and it hit me really hard.

There has been some drama in my chosen family right now, some people are struggling with physical, emotional and energetical issues that im not going to get into, and I just wanted to say that my Sir is the bestest (well and Mr Dell is really cool too )-from your little Monkey Toaster