Archive for December, 2011


The sense of touch is an amazing thing, something Ive been missing for a long time, not the hug of a friend or a kiss on the cheek-they are all nice and good- but im talking about the touch of the lover.   To have someone  caress your skin whether it be to show you care, to show affection or  the possibility of intimate times.  I think thats why I feel so jealous of people with partners, they are getting that type of touch and im not..

It shows I still need to work on the whole emotions thing, and if i want that type of touch it would help if I actually went on dates and formed relationships but thats where a bunch of complications come in some of which are: that I am painfully shy, that the person would need to be at least kink friendly , that my service to Sir  comes first, that I just came out of a very brief casual dating thing that affected me more than I though it would.    That I am poly/queer/little etc.  So those things  definitely put a damper in things.

I have just been  feeling unloved  lately-not the familial love but the love of a partner, someone that I have a relationship thats more than friends .  I dont have hardly any friends but the really good  ones I do have are very important to me, but they cant replace the touch of a lover.  There are things I need to work on with certain people, but is it too much to ask to feel the touch of a partner exploring every inch of your body occasionally, to get lost in their  touch, their eyes etc.  Im not a super romantic but occasionaly  it would be nice.  I know a new relationship takes  time to build, but it would be nice to have that touch occasionally.


Some goals I have come up with:

1. Take 15 mins each day working on Spirituality.  In addition to doing breathing/centering exercises in the bathroom (Sir’s suggestion), and in the car when Im stressed. I will spend at least 15 mins working on Spirituality, exceptions made for being sick, meetings and travel, work to take the form of meditation or research on spiritual topics, devotional work, journaling, working on altar or devotional items etc

2.  Try take care of my self better-Working on things like trying to fix some sleep issues, downsizing my clutter, getting more organized, working on fixing my teeth and finding a new place, putting myself out there

More goals to come later

Bio-family drama
So I went up to my folks house this past weekend for christmas, I am not out to them about being pagan , or kinky or just about anything, well except my sister knows everything-this is going to change soon but more on that later.

I have to admit as far as material things go I had everything I needed, we were probably what you call upper middle class. Yes I was the odd one, fat, kinda geeky etc, but I survived. As in every family we had our issues, but my family has hidden theirs quite well.  I never untill recently (within the last 2-3 years) knew  that 2  of my immediate family members have mental illnesses and that one has an increasing problem with alcohol.  Wow, that’s big stuff to hide, and I don’t know if its just that during childhood I was having my own issues to deal that I never saw it, or that they hid it really well, I knew the person with the drinking issues drank a decent amount when we were on holiday or at a party, but never really saw it at home .
One of my family members takes meds for their mental illness, and unfortunately is also the one with the increasing problem with alcohol.  I  am concerned for the other persons safety when this person drinks and gets what I would consider borderline verbally abusive.  The person affected has said that if something ever happens they would call the police, but I still talked to them about getting a counselor,and maybe a lawyer, and reiterating they if they every needed to talk then Im just a phone call away.

My  sibling who lives near my folks drinks like a fish at parties and other places so I think she doesn’t see everything.  My mom took care of us, cooked, cleaned took care of the house and worked just as hard as a  “regular” 9-5 job,  and has put up with a lot of  my shit  over the years.  She is wonderful to me, even though at times Im annoyed when they have to talk to me every single blankin Sunday.   Ive had it easy, they have given me a lot of things, but im not sure how much more of the drama and crappy energy that is there every time I go up.  Don’t get me wrong some parts are fun, they took us all to disney and while I would have like to experienced it with chosen family , there were parts that were fun

Eh not sure what to do more later when im more awake

Jealously and motivation

Lately I’ve been jealous of people in general and their relationships with other people whether platonic or otherwise.  Take for example this past weekend,  I sat there seeing these people interacting like old friends and being annoyed that it wasn’t me.  However that’s really my own damn fault, because im rather shy and the fact that I live in the middle of nowhere, gas is expensive  and don’t get to alot of events, and when I do go to events I mostly hang out in the “corner” because that’s where im comfortable.

Which lead to the other part of the title motivation, or in my case lack there of.  For many years my MO has been get inspired to do something, whether  it be life, work, spirituality start doing stuff and then fizzle out  and not follow through

I keep saying oh I want to get a better job and Ill start putting in applications but not follow through. Or Ill start having some focus and direction about my spiritual path and then get distracted by stupid things like tv .  Never really had anyone to hold me accountable to those kinds of things, until now…Sir doesnt push and tell me I have to do something-well not spirituality wise, and the other stuff I volunteered for , but I value his judgement and guidance.

So Ive been kinda slippin a bit in my work on spirituality stuff and need to get back into the swing of things, unfortunately my library sucks at having anything related to the path im currently leaning towards so Im going to have to hit internet and used book stores, but I did pick up some reflexology books, a meditation cd, a book on queer history, and one on pranic/energetic healing/manipulation (was kinda shocked they had these last 2)

As for the social aspect thats going to take a bunch of work on my part , finding a new place thats closer to civilization is the biggest piece

I really need to keep on track on this stuff if I have any hope of moving forwards, and dedicate sometime each day towards  both focusing  more on spirituality and finding a new place, getting out there socially  and setting myself achievable goals

Community/a request

Last night reminded me just how disconnected from community I was.  The performers were great, it was crowded, the bass was so loud that my chest hurt, and the words in most pre recorded songs was unintelligible to me at least.  But im sitting there going I hardly recognize anybody, alot of people were hanging around greeting each other like old friends, chatting etc.  It reinforces just how out in the sticks I live that its not easy or cheap (gas) to be more connected to community and get myself out there -which is a scarey concept just because how shy and nervous I am but I know I need to do it.  Ive always said I wanted to become more involved in whats going on

So the request part:
I request of my friends  either a web site, a news feed, a cause – whether it be spiritual, kinky, queer, gender, religious, political, national or regional etc, that you either believe in/do work for/think I should know about.  I promise to at least put some work into researching, and looking into each suggestion, special preference given to things that are regional -dc/bmore area cause well there aint much around where I live

Processing ritual

Wow, what a ritual on Saturday! This is gonna be rather woo heavy so fair warning

My weekend started on friday, i went over to to See A in the hospital and help J with finishing moving.  We headed over to their new house and started work, then went back and worked most of sat until i needed to throw myself in the shower and head to Sirs house, he didn’t end up going but I picked up something he wanted at the ritual.  I gpsed the address and headed out.  And then got lost, had no problem getting on the right road, saw a mailbox with the house number but no house, so I pull into a driveway to turn around and double check the address when this nice young kid comes out of the house and lets me know that its down an alleyway, which is when i saw the email that said turn left at the group of mailboxes.  So at this point im an hour late, and im frustrated, i pull into the grass to park where everyone else is and need to readjust to get off the road and my tires start spinning and i cant get back onto the road even with rocking back and forth, so I figure when in about 20feeet it kinda evens out ill pull forward and drive down a bit where its flatter and get back on the road. That didn’t work either, so I ended up having someone to go get folks and give me a push to get out, and with all of their help it took about 30 seconds to fix.

So I go into the house flustered, and frustrated run thru to get into the bathroom, and change.  Not exactly the greatest way to start a ritual, but I did start to calm down, and even though i hadn’t brought a gift for the exchange, because I hadn’t had the time to properly shop, someone had brought extras, I got a really neat tea cup with built in strainer thing, and tea.

So we start the  ritual, and Papa Legba was called as the gate keeper, and I felt something, but it was almost like wait your an old guy, but Im girl, and I want to talk to you but yet, I don’t know it was weird, its like I couldn’t open up something to let him in….maybe it was that i was frustrated or something who knows.  But a bit ago , under the suggestion of Sir, Ive been trying to do some devotional work to Papa Legba, just the beginnings, jut trying to have some focus spirituality wise.  Unfortunately my focus has been slipping and I haven’t been spending time for him like I think I should

And that was just the beginning of the girly/water spirits evening for me.

Really? spirits associated with water? water really wasn’t my thing, fire has always been my element.  But Sir really explained it well, water elements deal with emotions and well that seems to be the story of my life lately,  emotions being out of control, and well the whole girly thing isn’t my bag but im trying to work on it.

So they sung for Yemaya , and I’m not sure exactly what happened, but ended up on the floor with her  whispering in my ear you are a beautiful soul and exuding this comforting motherly energy.  Well if you read my other post about emotions and life that whole motherly/having kids things was fresh in my mind and  I cried a bit and and needed to refocus.

And they sung for oshun and again I ended up on the floor, and she climbed  up on me and was fiercely claiming me as her daughter.

And they sung for La Siren, and again i ended up on the floor speaking to her, she said the light of La Siren shines bright in me, and to take in the secrets of the water, I reached out my hands and brought in energy and  light and it smelled like salt water, and there was something else, im not sure what it was, it didn’t seem bad it was just sitting there I didn’t take it in, but just just let it fade away.

During the evening they sung for St Teresa  it was amazing,  One person knew some of the tune  in spanish,  but reading the  word in english helped them remenber, so they started singing in spanish, they have a beautiful voice and we started to process around. After a bit along with the signing someone started speaking the words and automatically I started to repeat them.  It was so fluid, so moving I also closed my eyes and walked around, because I felt like something was saying trust, or I wont lead you astray or something like that-stilll had to open my eyes occasionally when I banged into things   Also  during that I got an image of a lady in white dress in some sort of dark thick forest like setting with a torch trying to lead me deeper into the forest.  While I don’t think she possesed anyone specifically I believe she was there in some way.

What does this all mean? Not exactly sure, Sir and I talked about it , and he gave me some advice, I value his opinion a lot, he has so much more experience with this kind of thing.  I have a lot of research and thinking and decisions to make it my future, but need to be cautious, and well at least I can make the choice to do or not do anything, I havent “signed on the dotted line” as Sir puts it.  I knew that I was going to have to work on controlling emotions, and the whole feminine/beauty thing, and that I wanted some focus spirituality wise but wow! Im still working through all of it, probably more  later

I went back and helped J move all day sunday, which probably wasnt the greatest idea, but I knew she needed the help.  Because I didnt have time to really process, focus and center, I ended up being a cranky whiney person, add the  super cold and I was like a zombie (sorry J for being so cranky), Ive mostly recovered , and have alot of work to do

Suggestions and advice are mostly welcome, since some folks out there have alot more experience than me

Recently Ive been occasionally watching the show Sister Wives.  I didnt catch it from the beginning, essentially they are polygamists One man married to 4 women, now I dont know the whole story, I know there was controversy over where they used to live so they moved to Las vegas.  This episode was about the the newest wife child being born. By the end of it I was balling my eyes out, I was so moved by the sense of camaraderie, the sense of family, the sense of joy of a child coming into the world, and almost wanted to feel that joy myself of holding my own child.

I have always said that I love children dearly as long as they go home to their parents at the end of they day, but that episode made me think twice about that decision.  I made it a long time ago because i wasnt ready, and well Im a tad too old now I think, plus still trying to find a new place to live closer to my friends and civilization, and really am not financial ready to have a child, because i make shit for money.

Which brings me to another subject, employment (waring, whining ahead).  I watch alot of house shows, buying , selling,  flipping etc and they show how much theses folks mortgages are somewhere in the range of 2000 a month.  Really? Thats about how much I make in a MONTH (actually a bit more than what I make) and thats just sad.  I mean I dont have a super hard job.  Its mostly boring, but I do alot of Internet research and collect massive amount of data.

Im not super stupid, I went to college and have a BA in theatre, but Im not using it (biggest regret in my life).  I several problems in getting a better job: being complacent, the economy being bad and the job I have is not super horendous and not having to work weekends is great.  I dont have a business degree so id competing against people who do, if I went in to the medical field-like a nurse or paramedic that means more school and working weekends which I really dont care for. Uh cant win


Im still trying to look for a job closer to the frederick md area to be closer to friends, etc but im not holding my breath, but it wont happen if I dont do anything  so its definately something to work on