Archive for November, 2011

So the other day the radio show i listen to in the am was talking about the boy who got removed from his mother for being too overweight (see  Now I dont know all of the facts in the story but from what I can gather, they took the child away solely because he was overweight, there was no abuse or bad conditions. They called it “medical neglect”, that the child was “so overweight” and the mother didnt do “enough” to help.  WTF, now the government can take kids away because they are fat?? I could understand if Mom was force feeding the kid or not taking them to necessary Dr’s appts, but it even says she was working on helping the kid lose weight.  Whats next?  Kids being taken away cause parents give them a twinkie or allow them to play video games

Normally  I like the radio show that was discussing this story, they are funny without being stupid,  make fun of every demographic equally dont put up with crap from their listeners and tell it how it is.  However lately they been really harping on, and making alot of fun of overweight folks.  Recently several times they have made comments like overweight people are unhealthy, and made fun of (moreso than usual) an overweight guest they invited to a live taping of their show, saying that she was stinky and making fun of the way she looked.  I was thinking that I should really find another show to listen to.  The last straw came when they agreed with the state about taking the kid away, they said that the kid is unhealthy and the mother should be disciplined.  I turned it to a different station, I couldn’t in good conscious listen anymore to a show that has those kinds of opinions.  I know that Im not going to agree with everything everyone says  but when they put down a segment of the population that I hang out with that much-yes I am fat but that doesnt mean im not healthy, I cant really support them.



I generally love the smell of cigar smoke-I dont generally smoke myself, I quit 3 years ago  .  It brings up images of decadence, being relaxed and social.  Most people that I know that smoke cigars are “polite smokers”, as in not smoking in public places where its not allowed or right in front of doors, etc.  I was at an event this past weekend where someone was smoking a nasty smelling cigar right outside of the hotel front door that sent me into coughing fits.
Now it could be that it was a brand I didnt like or that I was kinda tired, cranky and had a stuffed up nose, and if so I apologize to whomever was smoking it.

In general though cigar smokers, and probably smokers in general if the smoking area is just outside the front door, it might be nice to move away a bit .

When I met Sir I knew that he was a pagan/shaman etc but really had no idea what that entailed.  Being a spirit worker of any nature is work and Work the amount of energy, time physical effort and money that these folks put into it.  I am so glad Im not of them, dont get me wrong I love what they do, they provide a wonderful service for the community.  But I wouldnt have the patience necessary, I am happy to try to become a Shaman’s girl/assistant

So Part 3 finally:

So this was rather delayed and its going to look a lot different because I had typed up 3/4 of it on my phone before I did a reset , and lost it . and thats a post for another time about how much I hate verizon

So the ordeal opened up alot of emotions, and a little history is necessary, growing up my family wasnt the super huggy kissy kind, i didnt have a bad upbringing i just didnt show my emotions alot, even when I was dating  I was never super mushy.  After the ordeal it seems alot of things make me sad or i get super frustrated or angry really easy, I guess bottling up emotions is a bad thing huh?

Back to spirituality

When I started to hang out with Sir at events and met his friends they were amazing -friendly, spiritual in various ways I was like where were you folks about 20 years ago (more later on this)

Sir and I went to a group called Utos, and the rituals were amazing  they are a trance possesory group who work with various deity/spirits.  I felt really accepted, and I even got up and danced, I had an amazing time and felt really connected.  Ive gone to several of their rituals and loved them.

One ritual that I went to at the beach Sir wasn’t able to go, it was me, N, J&J.  It was rather windy and cold, ok super windy and cold, I was having a bad day and was frustrated about the lack of focus spirituality wise.  The ritual was rather short and I was disappointed that I hadnt had a particular experience I really wanted to (I realize now it just wasnt meant to be)  I had a melt down started crying and couldn’t stop and got upset  and couldn’t explain myself to  those that care about me.  I cried through dinner, I cried through walmart.  I yelled at my friends, feeling sorry for myself  and was acting like a little kid having a temper tantrum.  I finally convinced them I was ok enough to leave the room by myself and I was able to collect myself for a little while.  I do much better to be able to control things if I can get a few minutes alone, especially if I have music  The next day though it started again I started crying  and could barely stop.  And someone told Sir what was happening and we texted and talked about everything going on.  And one of the things he mentioned was something to the effect of stop waiting for someone to show up spirituality wise and start picking some one and do some work, and made some suggestions.

More on this later this week


So part 3 of my journey is going to have to wait
The ability to say something when you want to is an amazing gift.  I say gift because in my case it can be taken away.  And it was, not because of punishment but because in his own way he is trying to mold to serve him better by focusing on the task at hand and not having extra conversations to distract me, which can be really easy to do me.  And while I agreed to it it is damn hard to not say anything, well ok not anything there are exceptions. But not hearing my own voice on a regular basis and not saying my opinion is difficult cause im so impatient but I can write things down for later and its not 24-7.
How wonderful that someone cares enough about me to take the time and energy to work on growing our relationship

The Journey Begins Part 2

So if you stuck with the story so far my journey continues:

Well a side note: by the time the previous relationship ended where I was the sub I had realized that some folks were combining bdsm and spiritually and energy play and I was definitely intrigued

When I was growing  up as a kid I followed my parents religion they were Methodists essentially, I was a good girl, I went to church, I even taught sunday school, but never really challenged their faith, I just followed blindly.  When I was a teen I started hanging out with the goth kids and got vaguely introduced to pagan and wicca. I read a lot of  books and considered myself wiccan for awhile (I was even in a Diannic coven for awhile wow did that not work) Eventually I considered my self pagan lite, I went to rituals, worked with raising/manipulating energy but didn’t have a big focus.  I always thought I had someone/something guiding me towards the paths I had taken (even the hard ones) but didn’t know who. I had some other friends in the SCA (not my previous Mistress) who were also pagan and kinky and whenever I played with them I could feel and see the energy being manipulated. I really enjoyed the exchange.

I realized I wanted something more from my bdsm interactions for awhile now, I wanted that deeper connection I wanted someone who was darker, played heavier/harder and who understood me, who would be poly, and pagan, or some variant thereof.  And I happened to see a post  from a friend of one of my friends on fetlife.  And my life changed-well not all at once, but a lot of  necessary change has happened in the last few years,  I still have a long way to go.

So me being being the quintessential shy person I got up the courage to send a fet note and we started chatting, eventually meeting at the local bdsm  club.  I liked them, had a good time chatting with them.  I got a good vibe from him and his friends.  I like the way he treated his friends and partners, and was welcoming and always willing to teach new folks.  He is a big needle top and well me having a blood fetish worked out well.

We chatted about alot of things , and I looked back at our first conversations on fetlife it made me smile/cry and be happy all at the same time knowing that is where it all started, the whole nervousness about are we compatible and on what level, and figuring out each other.  He is a heavy player, and we started chatting about doing a first scene with needles at DO winter fire almost 3 years ago, and then fate kicked me in the ass

The day before I we were supposed to do our first little scene I ended up in the ER with a blood clot in my leg.  I made my apologies as to why I couldn’t make it  and of course he was understating and concerned.  And then the dr dropped a bombshell, I would be on coumadin for 6-8 months which meant no play, and especially rough play and piercing.  Well that put a damper on things doesn’t it?

Well, not necessarily, it actually gave time to work on other things like service.  Had you asked me before I met him I wouldn’t consider myself a “service submissive” sure I might carry my play partners bag  but it was different.  We talked about formal service type stuff and at first it was a way for me to go to more events and all I had to do was  carry stuff and pack cars, and help out in classes.  But I quickly found out with him it was different, I got joy out of serving him, getting a good girl when a job was well done really floated by boat.  It was a chance to get to know him better since we couldn’t play and eventually I got to wear the “dreaded” pink collar.  At the time we had talked about a collar, and I had actually made a chainmaile collar without asking him what he wanted.  And at an event he was at he won a collar with a snap in the back that was bright pink with small metal studs around it and a d ring in front.  Well I hate  pink with a passion and he knew that but he mentioned something to the effect of this is an act of submission, to wear something that you hate the color of.  And  I grew to love that collar, eventually every time  he took it off me, since it lived at his house I longed for it to be on.  It became a running theme and he would playfully threaten me

And yes eventually we were able to play.

Off on another tangent:

About a year after i had met him I went through an scene/ordeal (not with him with someone else).  For awhile C and I had been having problems, or at least I with her.  We were really codependent on each other, for a long time we were each others world we hardly went out or if we did it was always together.  We never played together anymore, because I realized being a mistress wasn’t really me, we fought and I was tired of walking on eggshells because  if i said anything negative she would immediately huff and puff  and generally made me feel like it was my fault.  I already knew the answer but the ordeal allowed me (gave me the balls)to put a voice to something I had been feeling for quite some time, that for me to move forward I needed to break up.  While there are still ties to her since we still live in the same house (long story) I feel at least Ive made some progress.  And no my Sir had nothing to do with my decision, he would have and has supported me any way it turned out but it was my choice.

So next tangent: Spirituality

When I met Sir I knew that he was a pagan/shaman etc but really had no idea what that entailed.  Being a spirit worker of any nature is work and Work the amount of energy, time physical effort and money that these folks put into it.  I am so glad Im not of them, dont get me wrong I love what they do, they provide a wonderful service for the community.  But I wouldnt have the patience necessary, I am happy to try to become a Shaman’s girl/assistant

Continued in part 3 to hopefully be done monday or tuesday

The Journey Begins part 1

It all started about wow almost 3 years ago when I saw a post from someone who was a friend of a friend on fetlife, I checked out their profile and thought hey they were hot and they have several of the same interests, and seems like a person I really needed to know.

(long growing up story in my rather disorganized style-ignore if you like)

So a little break and bit about the journey up till now:  I had grown up in a comfortable ,very conservative family, and i was the odd one, geeky, fat, a goth, Wiccan and a theatre person, so that made for a rather difficult teenage experience and self esteem issues-although I found a lot of acceptance at Rocky Horror in my later teen years.  I had always known that I like girls, and boys and I had always like playing “cowboys and Indians” restraining my companions and having fun.

At college in was like I finally opened my eyes and saw the world for the first time.  I, for the most part, accepted that I was fat, and that fat really wasn’t bad, in fact it was good.  I reveled in my theatre classes, and found alot of people who accepted me for who I was, and joined the lgb alliance on campus.  Had several relationships, a lot more than high school, one very serious .

I had a great time graduated with a degree (that I’m not using and totally regret)  So, coming back freedom of college to living with my folks for a bit was a shock, and I shacked up with someone going thru a divorce, which in some respects was the worse, and best decision of life.  He was into trying me up when we had sex and spanking, which I hadn’t done with anyone else, wow those first endorphin rushes were fabulous.  Back in those days the internets were rather new and bbs’s were the thing of the day.  He showed me the bbs he hung out on, I think it was called the castle, and my world was never the same since.

I started learning about the world of bdsm and eventually got invited to a house party.  At the time I thought I was a switch, with leanings towards Mistress ( boy was I ever wrong).  I went to the party and my jaw was dropping alot at what I saw, people of various sizes and ages  lounging around chatting, on in scenes on furniture with toys.

I hit the jackpot, these people were extremely welcoming,  not pushy and took time to show me everything and made introductions.  I watched everything I could over that weekend and felt that I had found the right path.  It was the first time I saw fire  and blood play, and I was hooked, I had always had a thing for blood, licking it off me when i injured myself or just the look of it .  I was still smoking at the time, and to do that we had to go outside, and there was a couple that were also smokers so we made fast friends over the weekend, and we arranged to do my first scene, discussing things like safewords and limits. I had a blast they put me up on a frame and with a lot of humor and patience explored many new toys.

We played a few times after that I believe, and got involved in the burgeoning local bdsm groups.  I had since broken it off with the person going thru a divorce and was on my own ( for various reasons).   Awhile later I had gone to another weekend party (at a campground) and had met more folks thru the smokers area where I realized really for the first time that there were people who were transgender as a couple that I met one of them was mtf, who were amazed that I didn’t have a problem with it, since several people they had encountered in the community seemed to have issues.  Afterwards I ended up chatting with them and their roomate on IRC which I spent many an hour on.

Which is where I met C,  and we fell into a relationship where I was the Mistress and she the sub.  They lived in Norfolk VA so after talking with C a lot went down and moved her in with me in upstate ny for bit.  We had fun at the beginning, went to play parties where I topped her, and generally settled into life.  But, I wasnt a very good mistress, I wasnt really super into it for the most part, I mean sure I used various toys mostly effectively, and my play partners seemed to have fun (my aim was poor) and I loved to set people on fire (fire is definitely my element I can trance out to live flame).  But I wasn’t really creative, and my submissive/service/slave/whatever side was growing.

I bottomed to various people for fire,needles, and other toys and really loved it.  I had made friends with some folks in the sca that were also kinky,((holy cow theres alot of cross over) and we started to hang out.  We had moved down to Norfolk and then to Northern VA.  Eventually one of the SCA Friends became my “real” Mistress (others I had called that but not as serious and committed as her), oh and her hubby had a part time share in me.  I had fun while it lasted, and wore a collar, it faded/ended for various reasons.

To be continued


So had a mini date with someone relatively new was fun but wish I had more time, because I was running later that expected. Then went back to his place for dinner with his girlfriend, wife, and 2 old friends I havent seen in forever and had a blast, we had a pre thanksgiving turkey dinner since none of us would be around for the real thing. I had a blast!  I hadnt hung out with the old friends in ages it was nice to catch up, and we all sat there chatting about anything and everything.  I got to thinking about the the poly web that had been woven, the 2 old friends, 1 was my mistress and the other had a part time share in me as well.  Currently, the 2 old friends have varying levels of relationship with the wife, girlfriend, and the person im dating from  friends, partners to collared sub.  Its great that we all essentially get along and are comfortable with each other, and that whole compersion thing works so far for this casual dating thing.

Well Ill start the long story of my kinky,life, and spirituality awakening/transformation, journey of the last few years hopefully soon so stay tuned


Just Getting started

Im going to start doing this blog, it seems to be a bit easier that writing things by hand in a journal, using it to explore my feelings, my sprirituality, my kinky stuff , and just a general ranty things about life